thoughts from 2.25.10

I wrote this three years ago, while I was pregnant with my giant Porcupine/Z. I was just reading over it, and felt like it needed to be shared.

There is something incredible going on right now. To some it may seem small, to some it is a burden, to me it is a miracle.

There is a baby growing inside of me! A kicking, squirming, rolling, dancing, sweeping, punching, gliding, fluttering, precious baby. In me!

It constantly amazes me, that my body is able to create (with some help), sustain and carry another living being. I am in awe that my body knows how to sustain this life, how it knows what to do when it is time for the baby to emerge and join the world. It is all so spectacularly fantastic.

Sometimes, on the really hard days, I wonder: "What was I thinking?!" On the days when C's whining is constant and the messes are never clean and there's screaming and shouting and enough tears to fill an ocean I think, maybe, I was a bit hasty to think it was time for a third. I feel sorry for myself, and I wonder how I will manage without losing my mind...

Then, I go in to check on the kids sleeping soundly in their beds. They each have a peaceful, angelic countenance. They both have managed to contort their bodies into strange positions and I laugh silently to myself. They are beautiful, and I feel my heart swell with a mixture of joy and love. I just want to grab them out of their beds, but don't because I don't want to disturb them either. I find myself thinking "This is what it's all about." It is in those moments I realize I can do this. I can handle the tantrums and the tears, so long as I get to tuck my kids in at night, and see their sweet sleeping faces, I can do it.

Sometimes, when I'm lying in my bed, trying to get comfortable while my mind races a million miles a minute I think "What have I gotten myself in to?" I can hardly bend over these days, and I have the hardest time getting comfortable on the couch and in bed. Heartburn and reflux are ever present. My back aches and I can hardly pick up my kids without feeling like my midsection might explode.

But in the quiet, still moments, when I'm not even thinking I feel it. A kick. A push. A tiny hello. Immediately I stop feeling sorry for myself, instead turning my attention to feeling and watching as my belly jumps here and there. How can I feel bad when this is going on in my body? How can I not feel anything but gratitude for the opportunity I have to experience this blessing?

Sometimes I feel bad about myself. I get down on myself, I think my life is imperfect. I get frustrated that we don't have very much, and that all the work that I constantly do is towards a job that is never done.

But. There is always, always, something that reminds me of how blessed I am, of how much I really do have. I may not have a perfect life (and, let's be honest: who does?), but I don't want perfect. I like the messy and loud and chaotic life I live, because it helps me to have more gratitude for the quiet, peaceful, happy, miraculous moments.

We can all have a good
greatwonderful life. It just depends on what we choose to focus on.

from the archives: 2.28.2011

It is so late. I've totally failed my goal for this week to go to bed earlier. I think I'll try again next week, though.
As for today, I just can't think of anything to post. I've been looking all over the place for ideas; pinterest, other blogs, my own archives. And then I came upon a post I wrote two years ago. It made me smile. So I've decided to copy and paste it. Like I say at the end, I wrote it "to be called upon when it is needed", and right now, it is needed.

Mr. Boss left for work.
Z went down for a nap.
I threw myself onto the couch, in desperate need of relief from a frustrating head cold.
C and E would not let me be.
They climbed up on either side of me, and climbed under the blanket that was laying on me.
The wiggled and squirmed getting comfy and cozy, and that almost annoyed me too much,
but I didn't push them away.

Before I knew it, E was still.
Her eyes were peacefully shut as she flew away to dream land.
C, while still awake, looked as though he would follow close behind.
Sure enough, when I peeked down from my reading, I found him softly snoring on my shoulder.
(There was drool, but that's not the important part.)

I sat there for a good while, beneath my sleeping children, pondering.
The moment pictured above is now a memory, and one they will have no recollection of.
At first it made me sad.
This is the kind of memory that could remind a child of their parents love when they're having a hard time.
As I continued to think about it I realized:
this is the kind of memory that I will be able to call upon when I'm, maybe, feeling like I've had enough.

So, I am filing this away, to be called upon it when it is needed.
For one of those days when things aren't going quite right.
Or when the children are older and get upset with me for being too strict.
Or when the noise just. won't. end.
Then I can remember the silence and the comfort these children found in their mother.
Then I can remember that motherhood is more than worth the hard parts.



photo challenge day 15:

farewell 2012

JanuaryC and I got to go ice skating and the children and I had our pictures taken at church.
FebruaryWe discovered a glorious chocolate shop, I also tried to eat healthy food.
MarchI came out with news of my fourth pregnancy and was able to feel my baby move for the first time.
AprilWe were able to take a trip to Utah, to meet a new niece and attend my brother's wedding. I also turned 25.
MayThe beginning of May marked the half-way point of my pregnancy. When the weather was nice, we'd spend our time outdoors. We also were able to watch the solar eclipse.
JuneMr. Boss started school. My baby boy turned two, we celebrated at the zoo. I discovered that one of my heart-burn triggers was
tootsie rolls.
JulyWe celebrated another birthday, C's fifth. We went on a little nature-watch adventure, and were able to visit Utah again, to meet another niece.
AugustI predicted that I'd have an early baby. I talked about feeling content with my life the way it is right now. Mr. Boss and I celebrated six years of marriage. We nearly wiped ourselves out preparing for the baby.
SeptemberOur baby "Cupcake" arrived and Z had to get stitches.
OctoberI posted Cupcake's birth story in three parts. My baby girl turned four. We went another year without celebrating Halloween, but I couldn't resist pulling out C's first costume for baby S to try out.
NovemberI continued my tradition of daily gratitude posts, this year I added gratitude quotes to nearly every post. Baby S giggled for the first time.
DecemberBaby S reached his third month, I celebrated 12.12.12 in my own way, and the children and I got to spend Christmas in California with my family.
It feels strange to see another year go, this one seemed to pass by more quickly than any before.
There were some wonderful ups, and a few downs as well, but overall 2012 was good to me and my little family.
Now a new year has begun! I'm excited to see what 2013 has in store for us.

Happy New Year!

last years "review"

from the archives: 6.7.10

**This is what I looked like 2 years ago.**
40 weeks

I finally feel like my belly is nice and enormous.

With almost 20-month-old miss E

camera fun...

I want to do this again.

Because it's cool.
See:

from the archives: 5.28.11

*one year ago, Mr. Boss was driving the U-haul to CO,
while the children and I stayed behind in our empty house.*

little boy blue

He's in the great, big, empty room. Fast asleep.

from the archives: 5.8.11

mothers do not have to be perfect

(quotes and a few of my own words from a talk I gave on Mother's day last year.)

"There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children.
...What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else."

M. Russell Ballard

"The true spirit of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints gives to woman the highest place of honor in human life. ...It is she...who wields gradually and constantly the impress of character to childhood and youth, ...who makes home a haven of bliss or a den of discontent, who at her best gives to life its sweetest hopes and choicest blessings."

The First Presidency

"If you have determined to live righteously" -- or, might I add, to mother perfectly, -- "don't become discouraged. Life may seem difficult now, but hold on tightly to that iron rod of truth. You are making better progress than you realize."

Richard G. Scott

"If you are helpless, He is not. If you are lost, He is not. If you don't know what to do next, he knows. It would take a miracle, you say? Well, if it takes a miracle, why not?"

Boyd K. Packer (more here.)

"Pray deeply about your children and about your role as a mother. ...There is great power in a prayer that essentially says 'We are the steward parents over Thy children, Father; please help us to raise them as thou wouldst.'"

M. Russell Ballard

"We all seem to measure ourselves by what we see in others, and that's others at their best, scrubbed and polished physically and emotionally. Yet we judge ourselves at our worst. Consequently, we're sure to come out on the short end of the stick, always inadequate."

Claudia T. Goates

We have not been left alone in our mothering efforts. Our lives are less than perfect, God knows that we are less than perfect. That is why he has provided us a way to receive His guidance and counsels. We have our Savior's example, words from prophets and inspired leaders from past and present, and personal revelation. Through these we can come to know of our Father's will for us and for the children with whom we've been entrusted.
If we follow the guidance and counsel that we receive, we will be blessed and our efforts will be rewarded.

"If you have done your best, which you usually do, your humble offering, whatever it may be, will be acceptable and pleasing to the Lord."

James E. Faust

Happy Mother's Day!
more Mother's Day goodness here

from the archives: 3.10.10

Say what?

I enjoy asking C about his growing baby sibling. His sureness is precious and hilarious. But I can't just keep asking him what the baby is, so I've started asking him what we should call the baby. Here's what was said today:
Me: "Hey C, is this your baby brother in my tummy?"
C: "No, sister."
Me: "Oh, yeah? And what should we call the baby?"
C: "Sister."
Me: "Yes, but what should we call sister? Like how you're called C, and that is E, and that is papa and I'm mama. What should we call baby?"
C: "Umm, she's called porcupine."
Me (laughing): "Deal."

but I’ll take less... if more means having less of you. **

The idea of doing a year in review post is so unappealing to me. It seems so tedious to go back through the year and remind you about all of the stuff that happened. So, instead of that, I've decided to post the links (and a picture from each) of the 5 most visited posts from 2011. Enjoy.

5. porcupine.

4. spring cleaning.

3. caakies.

2. colorado bound.


1. morning beauty.

**All The Pennies

from the archives: 9.23.10

Some Goodness

Z is an angel. When he hears me speak, he quickly turns towards me and pays full attention. Whenever he catches sight of me he grins the biggest grin, and his whole body shakes. I have never been a very self-confident person, but it is hard to feel anything but amazing when you've got someone looking at you like you are the world. That, I think, is my favorite part of motherhood.

We went to the library today, after Mr. Boss arrived home from work. He insisted that we go, so we went. I didn't really want to go, because we always borrow a stack of DVD's, and I feel like we watch too much TV. So, when we got there, I avoided the sections for movies. Instead I found a couple of cute books for the kids, and a couple of CD's for myself, one of hymns, the other...opera. (It reminds me of my dad, and I miss him. I wish California were closer.)

I began dinner preparations shortly after we got home (and, by "shortly after" I mean "after Z had a quick snack.") But, before I set to chopping up my veggies, I pulled out my CD player and started that opera CD. Mr. Boss rolled his eyes when he heard the music begin. Gosh, at least I didn't play it as loudly as my dad would have, or as loudly as Mr. Boss plays his music. Anyway, I think he secretly liked it.

And, speaking of CD's, I've been thinking for a while that it is time I go through my own collection and get rid of most of them. It has been a hard decision to come too, especially because I really love a lot of the CD's I'm planning to get rid of. But, the truth of the matter is: I hardly ever listen to them, anyway. And I don't like the idea of the kids listening to them, either.
I've also been thinking I need to go through my book shelf again, even though I recently got rid of a bunch of books. I just keep thinking that there are still books on that shelf that don't need to be there.
I think there is something magical about de-cluttering. I throw a few things out and it just makes me want to throw out more. The thought of having clean, empty space is so thrilling to me. I never thought I would say that. But there is really something so satisfying about getting rid of things you don't really need, and the empty spaces that are created as more things are taken away.