the end of the month.

It feels like it was a hundred years ago, or maybe it was just last April, that Kara tagged me to do a blog questionnaire. I was outrageously flattered that she tagged me, which maybe sounds ridiculous, maybe not. Anyway, I tried to play it cool, saying I'd get to it "eventually" when really I had every intention of filling the thing out right away. Except that I didn't. I filed it away in my mind as something to do when I had no idea what to blog about. But even when I had nothing to write, I still failed to use that questionnaire...thing. Well, I'm going to do it now.

Eleven things about me:

1.

In my high school art class I pretty much did whatever I wanted. I mean, I did the assignments, but in between those projects I would just do my own thing. I loved having access to so many supplies. It was a happy time. I remember one day I found a board, I like the size that it had been cut to, so I decided to paint it. It was some messy, colorful, abstract type painting, and to this day, I think it is my favorite piece. But I get a little knot in my stomach when I remember my art teacher getting after me, because apparently that board had been cut specifically for someone else. (How was I supposed to know, it wasn't labeled, which it should have been.) I'm also sad to say that it is currently sitting in my sister's basement. Every time we've gone to visit, I forget to bring it home with me until it's too late. I miss my painting.

2. I celebrated my 8th birthday in Costa Rica. We were living there at the time, we stayed for about 10 months, my siblings and I even attended school. 10 years later I took my little sister (then 8) for her first time. We stayed for about 3 months.

3. I'm the 3rd child of 8. (And there's only one boy in that group.) The oldest and youngest are 20 years apart.

4. 2 of my babies were born at a hospital (one with medication), and 2 were born at home. I love home birthing and would prefer never to do so in a hospital again.

5. I had never been to Colorado until the day my little family moved. It is a very strange experience to pack your bags and drive to your new home that you've never seen in a place you've never been. I thought to myself a few times "what if this place doesn't even exist?"

6. I've never been pulled over (I know it is bound to happen someday...) But I have had a couple of accidents and I realized the other day that each of my little accidents has involved a Subaru. I love Subarus, I have no idea why I keep hurting them...

7. This boy of mine is ridiculously cute. (All of my babies are, but he's currently the one who I take the most pictures of....)

8. Speaking of boys, I don't think I've mentioned that having sons scares the crap out of me. I have 6 sisters. Girls are familiar to me. Boys are foreign territory and the fact that I have 3 terrifies me. Boss is sure that E will be our only girl, and I freak out a little bit every time he suggests this. (Because I want 10 children, and to have 9 boys would be insane.)

9. I can name all of my teachers from pre-school to the 6th grade. There were two male teachers at my elementary, but all of my teachers were women. (pre-k: Hobbs & Winder, k & 1st: Dixon, 2nd: Westphal, 3rd: Miller, 4th: Singleton / Hadden & Kelly-Buxton (I was moved to a new class part-way through the school year), 5th & 6th: Cummings)

10. I haven't had a hair cut in 2.5 years, but I used to cut my own hair. I loved having it short. I loved doing the cutting myself and would do so frequently. It was a huge stress reliever to me on more than one occasion, the most memorable of which was December 25, 2005 -- the night that Boss kissed me for the first time. That was a weird night...

11. When I was in high school I taught myself how to play they hymn I Stand All Amazed on the piano. I would practice it every morning on one of the pianos at the seminary building at school. After weeks of practicing came the moment of truth, when I played it in front of my seminary class. There are a few hymns that I consider my favorite, but this one is my #1. This kid plays it so much better than I ever could, and then some. Enjoy.

photo challenge day 28:
the braid!

Now that I've posted every day this month, I think I am going to take a little break from blogging. From social media entirely, actually. Just for a week. See you later!

baby girl.

I was going through my pictures a couple of weeks ago. Remembering.
When I saw these pictures of E, taken 3 days after her first birthday, I paused.
My baby girl.

I can remember a day, goodness, it was so long ago. I was doodling, I doodled a picture of a woman sitting in a chair, holding her swollen belly. It was a dream, it was supposed to be me. When I finished I wrote next to it: "C needs a little sister". My boy was only a few months old, still so small, why was I thinking about another baby? But I could feel it, I could feel her, she was telling me it was time.

C was only 6 months old when I became pregnant again. From the first moment, I knew. I just knew that I was going to have a girl. I couldn't really be sure, because we didn't find out, but I knew. I'd known I was going to have a girl since the day I'd drawn that little picture. The image is forever pressed into my mind. The ink had flown onto the paper effortlessly. The words were not mine, only written by the pen held in my hand. I knew. And I was right.

This little girl has always looked up to her big brother. She has always been enamored with him. It was him that got her to laugh for the first time, and no one could get her to laugh better than he could. Once she was old enough to keep up with him, she became his shadow. She wanted to do everything that he did. They became best friends. Even now, they are two peas in a pod.

My tiny girl, well, only tiny when she was brand new (7 lbs), just keeps growing. She writes her own name and she's learning to read, sounding out words along with her brother, they race to see who can read it first. She loves to draw, she calls herself an artist. She has to most contagious laughter.

When I look back at all of the pictures of her I am overwhelmed. I love this girl. I miss her tiny self, her squeaky voice, the way she would run, or jump -- her little body waggling and trying so hard. She's still enthusiastic about everything. Life is such a joyous adventure to her, her face lights up for every little thing. Her heart is so full of love. She is our treasure, the sweetest gem.

She is growing so quickly, and I go back and forth between happy and heartbroken. I love watching old videos of her, getting a brief reminder of the way she used to be. And I love watching her now, always learning, doing, trying, helping, loving, laughing, playing. I miss what used to be, but I love seeing what she is becoming. It is such a bittersweet adventure.

photo challenge day 27:

it snowed again.

I woke up this morning, to a boy who was sick, and another boy who was covered in and eating dry bisquick.
How was your day?
photo challenge day 26:

random is all I can think of.

It's a funny thing, my mind. I've had this post up in draft all day today, the pictures were uploaded around 10 am, but the page has sat here because I couldn't think of what I could write about. I swear I had a million ideas for posts rolling around in my head yesterday, but I can't actually be sure of that because I didn't write any of them down.

I haven't had reason to for a while, but there have been a few times when I've needed to run to the store for one thing. So, I've left the children in the car -- with the doors locked -- while I ran into the store to get what I needed. I always feel nervous when I do this, but sometimes it is just so much easier and faster to leave them in their seats for five minutes while I quickly run my errand. I've done this at the post office, too. For the record, I have never done this on super-hot summer days, or freezing winter days. Only on days when the cars temperature would stay pleasant. Have you ever done this?

I am really excited that there are only 3 days left in the month of February. I'm ready for spring. Plus, it puts me that much closer to my birthday -- 6 weeks from today! I just can't believe I'm turning 26. What?

I am obsessed with babies. I love babies. I love my baby. Oh my goodness, he is so cute, and I die every time I look at him. He's been enjoying his jumparoo, and I have been enjoying the freedom that it gives me -- I can cuddle my other babies or get work done without my little monkey screeching for my attention! He just bounces contentedly, which kills me again, because watching him bounce is freaking adorable. By the way, that onesie he's wearing is a size 9 month. Where did my tiny boy go? Maybe this big one ate him.

Baby boy doesn't have any teeth yet. It makes me really happy. See, he's a biter, and teeth would just make that situation worse than it already is, and it's already pretty unpleasant. E got her first tooth 2 weeks before she turned 6 months. Z got his first teeth and the tender age of 4 months and 9 days. I'm hoping S follows in C's footsteps. C didn't get his first tooth until he was 9 and a half months old. I can handle that. Heck, it would be awesome if S didn't get teeth for even longer than that! But with the way he's been biting, I fear that teeth are closer than I'd like.

photo challenge day 25:

the things that nobody talks about

Mr. Boss and I had a little movie date after the kids went to bed. It was nice. (We watched Here Comes the Boom with Kevin James. I liked it a lot.)

My little boyfriend slept on me during the movie, and once it was over, I turned my attention to his sweet sleeping self. And I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with the love that I have for this kid.

I wanted another baby. I wanted one so badly. I felt like it was time, for a long time. Like, long before we moved out here, before we even decided to take this path, I wanted this baby. This is not to say I didn't love my other children, because I did, and do. But sometimes you just know it is "time", and that was how I felt. For months and months I ached and wished and prayed for a baby. I tried to get Boss to understand, to agree with me that it was "time", but he just didn't. He told me to just be happy with what I had, that the time would come. Eventually. But not now. It sucked.

I tried not to feel jealous when I heard of other women who were getting pregnant. I wanted to be one of them, and the announcements hurt. I was so frustrated. I was so sure that we were supposed to have another baby, soon, but Mr. Boss continued to disagree. And then, there were those times when we weren't careful (tmi? sorry...) and I was sure that the timing was right on. I "should have" gotten pregnant a few times before it happened. This only added to my frustration. I began to doubt myself. Why did I feel like there was a baby waiting for us, but not getting pregnant. I prayed and plead for my wish to be granted. And then I decided to give in. I left it up to God. He knew I was ready and willing and waiting, and I left the timing to Him. I never stopped asking, but I let go of my idea of when it should happen.

And then it did. I was pregnant, and I was so happy. Nervous, because Mr. Boss still wasn't on board with the idea, and nervous because I thought that people would judge me for having so many children so close together. But I was grateful. And so glad that my wait was almost over.

I went through the pregnancy and did my best to be positive about the difficulties of being pregnant while also having to care for 3 children. Some days were good, some days were bad. But I didn't want to seem ungrateful for this gift, so I focused on the good parts.

As I had already experienced three other pregnancies, I was able to do some comparing. I noticed pretty quickly that my pregnancies with C and Z were very similar, and my pregnancy with E most resembled the one I was experiencing. So, I was sure that I was going to have a girl.

We do not find out the gender of our babies, we like the surprise. But I felt like I was spot on, that everything was pointing to girl. Every other pregnancy, as I would buy things for my unborn babe, I made sure to buy a few outfits for both genders, "just in case", but I just knew that wasn't necessary this time.

Fast forward to the early morning hours of September 9th, 2012. My baby, the one I had waited and hoped for and prayed for, for so long, was almost here. And then he was. He was. He.

I was shocked. The birth experience alone was pretty traumatizing, but to top it off, my baby was a boy. My whole body was shaking from the work I had just done, and I had this sweet, perfect, tiny boy whose weight on my chest felt heavenly, glorious. But he wasn't the baby I was expecting. Even in my stunned state, underneath the physical pain of birth, I knew I was disappointed and, even in that state, I was ashamed of myself.

My midwife, she knew. She knew how sure I was that I was having a girl. And I think she saw the turmoil in my face, maybe she could feel the weight of this blow. Oh, I felt so ashamed to not be perfectly grateful and thrilled to have this baby boy, fresh from heaven, resting on me. But I hurt that I was wrong. I had such dreams and plans for the girl I didn't get.

My midwife, she was amazing. She kept telling me "It's okay to mourn this. It's okay."

I wanted to cry, to scream, to express my anguish. But I was too ashamed to admit my true feelings.

My connection to my new little one did not come right away. I tried to force it a little, tried to trick myself into thinking I was nothing but overjoyed. But inside there was a break, a hurt. What was wrong with me?

I made a choice right then and there, that I would do whatever I could think of to encourage bonding between me and my new little one. I wanted to get rid of the feelings of disappointment. I wanted to feel the love and bliss that I thought I should be feeling. I didn't want to mourn. But I still did.

Every night, even now, my baby boy and I sleep side by side, skin to skin. I held him constantly. I tried to set him down as infrequently as possible. I shot down, somewhat fiercely, Mr. Boss's suggestion that we get him some sort of activity chair or swing so that I could have a moment of relief from time to time. When I'd nurse him, I would study his features. I did all of these things because I wanted to love him. I did love him, but I wanted to love him deeply -- the way that I feel like I should have from the first moment I laid eyes on him. And I did.

Every day I fell more in love with my boy.

Sometimes I still mourn the girl that wasn't. Less now than in those first few weeks, when seeing baby girls, tiny outfits covered in cupcakes, or hearing about someone who learned they were expecting a girl brought me to tears. But now I can look and my tiny boy, not so tiny anymore, and I can feel my love for him radiating through my body. I cannot imagine my life without him, I don't even want to try.

And, someday, I will get another girl. I just know it.

photo challenge day 23:

one less excuse.

Our living room got cleaned today. I'm ashamed to say that it was long over-due. Boss was home with us, and he's the one who spoke up and said "enough is enough." I turned on some tunes and we worked together as a family to put our home back together. It reminded me of the many times growing up when my dad would declare "enough is enough," and then turn on some tunes while we all grudgingly got to work.

(It's funny, the way memories work, how in the moment things seem tedious or boring or unexciting, but love thinking back on those moments. Remembering how my dad always had music playing, while he worked, while he showered, when he was out in his garden, makes me smile. It's for that reason that I prefer to have music playing while I work, I think it helps put me in the mood to work.)

Anyway, as we were cleaning I was thinking about why I hadn't just cleaned up sooner. I thought about why I let the mess pile up and sit for a bit before tackling it. Part of it, I will admit, is sheer laziness, with a touch of where-do-I-even-start? paralysis. But for the past 5-and-a-half months it has also been because I have a squishy baby who loves to cuddle and eat, but hates to be set down for long periods of time. Sometimes I'm mean, and let him cry longer than normal, so that I can accomplish something. Most days I indulge my
lazinessbaby, and keep him content.

But, after today, I won't be able to use my baby as an excuse to be lazy anymore. Today we bought what Mr. Boss has dubbed "the sanity chair," more commonly known as a Jumperoo. Little S already loves his new toy. After we got it all set up we put him in it for a trial run. My boy started bouncing right away, he knew just what to do. He grinned and bounced and let us eat dinner without having to do so one-handed. It was beautiful.

Now that we have this wonderful contraption, I'm hoping to get started on a de-junking project that I've been wanting to do, but haven't really been able to focus on. I'm getting really tired of feeling like "stuff" is taking over. I feel like it's kind of ironic that I felt the need to bring more "stuff" in, to be able to get other "stuff" out, but it is what it is.

photo challenge day 22:
{E and I were making him laugh}

a teaching moment

The weather has been pretty mild so far this year. Until yesterday. It was cold and overcast, and then the snow came. It fell all night and into the morning. I do not like snow. At least it's pretty.
We've had a little visitor in our neighborhood. We've seen this fellow a few times over the past month and a half, or so. It is not welcome, and every time Boss sees it he chases it away.
Now for a story about my awesomeness:

On Monday night I ran to the store to pick up some milk. I was all by myself, which was nice, but I was trying to be quick in case little S started to miss me. It was a quiet night, hardly any traffic, the store was basically empty, and I was able to finish and return home quickly. I got to our street, and started to pull along side Boss's car, so that I could park in front of it. That's when my peaceful night turned sour. I'd done this same move so many times before, but this time I guess I was just a bit too close to his car. An immediate pit formed in my stomach when I heard the crash. I finished my parking job quickly and jumped out of the van to survey the damage. The pit in my stomach grew when I saw the driver-side headlight hanging out of place, held on by a wire. I felt so foolish.

I ran straight inside and told Mr. Boss. I thought he was going to be angry with me. I was so nervous to tell him, but I couldn't not tell him. He listened to me as I explained what happened, but he didn't get mad. He was immediately forgiving and reassuring. We went out and surveyed the damage together, we had to take our lantern, because it was dark. He was able to put the headlight back into place, and it worked when he turned his lights on. But there are some repairs that need to be done to his car now, before he can drive it again. Despite his kindness and reassurances, I still felt so stupid for what I had done. I was just going to write a vague story about it, because I was embarrassed to admit to anyone who might read this what I did. But the story wasn't really making sense without the details.

The next day, since he didn't want to chance driving his own car before fixing it, Boss took the van. Later, I went out to clean up the debris from the night before. When I came in with the handful of broken pieces of headlight, C asked me what I was doing. I thought for a moment if I should tell him or not. But the idea came to me that I could use it as a teaching moment, so I told him. I explained to him that I had a little accident and broke dad's car a little bit. I told him how I knew right away that I had messed up, and that, even though I was worried about how he would react, I went and told his dad right away. C was sure that Boss had gotten mad at me, but I was able to explain that he was actually very understanding and forgiving. I hoped that by telling him this, he would realize that we all make mistakes, that even mom can mess up sometimes, but that it's important to admit when you mess up. I wanted him to know that he can tell someone, and that it's important to tell someone if your mistake affects them, even if it seems scary to do so.

I hope that, in the future, my teaching moments don't involve my ego taking such a beating...

photo challenge day 18:
photo challenge day 18:

5 things

photo challenge day 18:photo challenge day 19:

in your hand

I had a few different pictures for today's photo pick, but I could only choose one. Here are the ones I didn't use:

And here's the one I did:
photo challenge day 17:

free write.

I opened a word document, closed my eyes, and started typing. Hoping that I would come up with something to post for today. This is a small part of what I wrote. I've edited it to remove spelling errors and to fix sentence structure...

"Today I wore red lipstick to a birthday party. To a 5-year-old's birthday party. As we pulled up to the house I felt out of place. I felt over-dressed and over-done. But nobody mentioned it, or treated me differently. Still, I was feeling pretty self-conscious about it.

There was a girl (a young, but grown woman) at the party with pink hair. I couldn't help but admire the shocking color on her head. Sometimes I wish I were brave enough to dye my hair funky colors. (I was really excited when that same girl complimented me on my outfit.)

I've been thinking lately, that I want to cut my hair off and dye it a bunch of different colors, kind of like how my hair was when E was a baby. Except that I don't want my hair short until I've lost some weight. And losing weight isn't super important to me right now. I mean, I would love to be a bit slimmer. It would be amazing to fit into some size 6 pants again, but I'd settle for a size 8. I just don't really have a desire or the motivation to do anything about my weight right now. At this point in my life, my main focus is on being a mother. So I let certain things slide, like wanting to chop my hair off and dye it all sorts of colors, and losing the weight to get a to a point where I'd feel comfortable with having short hair again.

Right now I don't mind being soft, fluffy, whatever. Because I am a comfortable place for my babies. They can cuddle me and use me as a pillow. I am comfortable to them and I am comforting to them.

My main focus right now is to be mother. I feel like it is the most important thing that I can be doing t right now. Most everything else has fallen by the wayside. And I'm okay with that."

photo challenge day 16:

from the archives: 2.28.2011

It is so late. I've totally failed my goal for this week to go to bed earlier. I think I'll try again next week, though.
As for today, I just can't think of anything to post. I've been looking all over the place for ideas; pinterest, other blogs, my own archives. And then I came upon a post I wrote two years ago. It made me smile. So I've decided to copy and paste it. Like I say at the end, I wrote it "to be called upon when it is needed", and right now, it is needed.

Mr. Boss left for work.
Z went down for a nap.
I threw myself onto the couch, in desperate need of relief from a frustrating head cold.
C and E would not let me be.
They climbed up on either side of me, and climbed under the blanket that was laying on me.
The wiggled and squirmed getting comfy and cozy, and that almost annoyed me too much,
but I didn't push them away.

Before I knew it, E was still.
Her eyes were peacefully shut as she flew away to dream land.
C, while still awake, looked as though he would follow close behind.
Sure enough, when I peeked down from my reading, I found him softly snoring on my shoulder.
(There was drool, but that's not the important part.)

I sat there for a good while, beneath my sleeping children, pondering.
The moment pictured above is now a memory, and one they will have no recollection of.
At first it made me sad.
This is the kind of memory that could remind a child of their parents love when they're having a hard time.
As I continued to think about it I realized:
this is the kind of memory that I will be able to call upon when I'm, maybe, feeling like I've had enough.

So, I am filing this away, to be called upon it when it is needed.
For one of those days when things aren't going quite right.
Or when the children are older and get upset with me for being too strict.
Or when the noise just. won't. end.
Then I can remember the silence and the comfort these children found in their mother.
Then I can remember that motherhood is more than worth the hard parts.



photo challenge day 15:

all I've got for today...

photo challenge day 14:

the hero of the day.

There was a spider in my house today. Blegh. Just knowing it was there made me uneasy. But what could I do? It was on the ceiling, and I'm not very tall. C suggested the step-ladder. He's smart.
I got the ladder, climbed up, and found myself face to face with a creepy-crawly spidey. It sent shivers down my spine.
I stood there on the ladder, paralyzed by the heebie-jeebies, while my children laughed at my expense. It was all fun and games. Until Mr. Spider detached from the ceiling and came flying at me.
Then the dramatized squirming became a real-live shriek. Eek!
Mr. Spider fell on the floor and proceeded to play hide-and-seek inside a stray piece of clothing. But don't you worry, I caught the little sneak. Caught him with my shoe.
C grabbed a tissue and retrieved our crumpled friend from the floor, and then sent him to a watery grave. He returned, exclaiming that he was the hero.
Then, for the rest of the day, the children pretended to be giant spiders, and teased me mercilessly.

the end.

photo challenge day 13:

choosing one goal over the other.

I didn't want to post my day-11-photo yesterday, because that post was all about Baby S being old. I also realize that I said I was going to try to be in bed by 9:30 every day this week, and obviously it is later than that. I made the goal to post every day this month before I made the go-to-bed-early goal, so I figured I'd just choose the one I made first over the other.

photo challenge day 11:
photo challenge day 12:
Now I'll go to bed.
Goodnight.

all the eyes, except for mine.

I am tired. I haven't been very smart with my sleep schedule. Most nights I don't get to bed until 1 am. I have no good reason for this, except that I like the time when the house is still and quiet, and I can finally get things done. (Of course, that makes it sound like I'm being productive, but, sadly, I'm not.) My late nights are followed by early mornings. Z is our earliest riser, but all of the children are morning babies.

It's ridiculous, the way I keep torturing myself, but I'm having a really hard with the idea of giving up my peaceful "me" time. I keep thinking that I just need to start going to bed earlier, and then waking up before everyone and having my "me" time at the beginning of the day, instead of the end. I just haven't tried to change my schedule yet. Probably (most likely) because I'm just too lazy.

So, I've decided, I'm going to make it a goal for this coming week (starting small, starting tomorrow): to be in bed by 9:30 and up between 5:30-6 am.
Wish me luck?
photo challenge day 10:

spam comments

You know what's fun? Spam comments. I got one this morning:

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At least anonymous was a friendly spammer.
photo challenge day 9:(Not specifically these items, but chocolate & other treats, in general.)

famous by association.

I've been working with this little stud. Working on balance, practicing sitting. He's getting better every day. He still loses his balance, but it seems he's able to stay upright a little bit longer, each time I sit him up.

The boy is growing too dang fast.
photo challenge day 8:

This month I'm participating in the Fat Mum Slim daily photo challenge. (Hence the photo above. duh.) Two of my sisters (S & G) are also participating, but they're doing it from their phones, and posting their daily shots on instagram. Anyway, I got a phone call from one of those sisters today (G). She began by explaining that every day Chantelle picks her 4 favorite submissions from that day's prompt, and calls them the fab four. One of the picks for yesterday's fab four (prompt: your name) was pretty special, specifically the one that was submitted by our sister (S). She chose to spell out her name in sign language, which I think was a brilliant idea. And now I'm feeling a bit famous by association.

Fab Four | Day 7 | Your name By: @fizzpopbangblog @hales_bells @stephaniebaldi @blueizz1 #fmsphotoaday