Pregnancy Update - 37 Weeks

Full term. Could go in to labor any time and it would be fine. How? How are we already here?

A few updates:

Physically: I mostly feel pretty good. I feel like my belly is small for basically being at the end of the pregnancy, but I think I feel that way every time. My measurements have been right on throughout the pregnancy, though, so even though I feel like I'm small, I'm right on track.

One of the not so fun parts about this stage is the heartburn/reflux - it's not my favorite, but I try to deal with it as best I can. I'll be really disappointed if this babe comes out with minimal hair. I've actually joked that he'd better come out with a full head of hair and ZZ Top beard, for all the heartburn I've had. Ha.

As far as aches and pains, I've only got one, but it's pretty intense. It started a couple of months ago, if I was walking too much (which, for me, isn't actually very much..) I would get really sore in my thighs, specifically the inner thigh. It wasn't debilitating at first, just a minor annoyance.

I can't recall exactly when, I think somewhere around 33-34 weeks, it started to get worse. Not only was I feeling the pain in my thighs, but in my pubic bone. Lifting my legs into pants or to climb in a car became so painful, and my ability to walk normally has disappeared.

My understanding is that pregnant women waddle when the baby's head sinks into the pelvis, which makes walking with the legs close together more difficult. For me, the waddling began because of pain. I don't know if I could even call it waddling, it feels more like I'm limping.

The pain is fairly constant, but there are definitely good days and bad days. These are determined by my activity level. For the most part, I am walking and trying to be on my feet a lot less, but there are days when I need to get errands done or whatever, and end up pushing my body too hard which can take days to recover from. Aside from taking it easy, there's not much I can do about the pain right now. The only "cure" is to have this baby.

I still experience moments of panic and anxiety  but we've been doing a lot of solid work in therapy, so I have a bunch of tools to calm myself down when I start to freak out. I think one of the most valuable tools is the realization that it's okay to feel the fear. Simply by validating myself for feeling afraid, the intensity of my panicking diminishes. It's been really amazing. I've felt the panic come on, acknowledge it for what it is, validate myself, and am able to talk myself down from there, before it can escalate. It may seem like a small thing, but for me this is huge!

Mr. Boss thinks this little one will come early, but I'm fully prepared for him to be like his sisters and come 2 weeks late. Either way, we won't have to wait too much longer to find out! It's equal parts exciting and overwhelming. I honestly cannot believe how soon our newest babe be here. Time is moving too fast!

An Afternoon at Silver Lake

A few weeks ago, while scrolling instagram, I saw some posts from Silver Lake, a beautiful spot up in the mountains that was putting on quite the autumnal show. Mr. Boss and I had been up the month before, on an anniversary date, and there were a few signs that fall was coming then, but the pictures I was seeing on ig showed that it had changed a lot. I wanted to see it for myself.

I wasn't sure when I could get up there, but I was feeling desperate. One morning, I shared my feelings with Mr. Boss, and he suggested I go that very day, as soon as the kindergartener was home. So that's what I did! I spent the morning getting myself and the youngest two ready and packing up lunch, so that we could leave as soon as S was off the bus. 

The drive up the canyon was distracting, there was so much color. I wanted to stop so many times, but kept on going until we reached our goal. We had lunch as soon as we arrived, and then started our walk around the lake. I was in heaven, and the kids had a blast, too, climbing on rocks and seeing ducks and fish in the lake. 

We also ended up taking a little detour up one of the more difficult hikes that branches off from the path around the lake. I wanted to show the boys where their dad and I had seen a deer when we were up the month before. We didn't quite make it to where Boss and I had seen the deer, but that was fine because we got to see our own deer! It was pretty awesome. After that, we headed back down to the lakeside path and finished our walk. 

By the end, the kids were done. They had been amazing, walking so much and sitting themselves down from time to time for me to take their picture. Even when their behavior started to deteriorate, I understood and didn't really mind, because of how excellent the general experience had been. 

Now for the pictures:

We got so many comments on her candy corn hat,
which I definitely appreciated!

I shared this one on instagram.
I think it looks like an album cover.
And it's definitely one of my current favorite photos.

The end.

35 Self-Care Ideas

For the past several years I have struggled with various levels of burn out, I've talked a bit about it from time to time. (Here, for example.) Once I became aware of my burn out, I began my search for a solution, and that's when I learned about the importance of self-care. Self-care is something I've struggled with since I first began to implement it in my life, sometimes doing better and other times letting it slip. I know I feel better when I take time for myself and get a break from the sometimes mundane and repetitious day-to-day of motherhood, but struggle to be consistent with it.

While talking with my sister yesterday, I realized how little I've been taking care of myself lately, something I know is detrimental to me and everyone around me. Being a mother is incredibly rewarding, but that doesn't mean it isn't also extremely overwhelming. When I am frazzled and burnt out I am not at my best (duh). I'm snappy and irritable, I'm more likely to be impatient, more likely to stick the kids in front of the TV for hours, and I frequently end up checking out by staring at my phone for way longer than anyone needs to. 

As we spoke, my sister challenged me to make a list of self-care ideas to be able to choose from when I need a break. As I wrote, I thought to myself that I am definitely not the only person who needs this. I know the whole self-care idea isn't new, it's one of those topics that I hear brought up frequently in church and among moms that I know or that I follow on social media. We hear over and over how important it is, but I think a lot of us still struggle to make it a priority, which is why we're still talking about it. So I decided to share my list with you and to encourage you to make your own list if mine doesn't resonate with you.

35 Self-Care Ideas:

1. Create something.

2. Start or work on a knitting project.

3. Paint something.

4. Make a collage of things that make you happy.

5. Start/work on an art journal.

6. Draw a page of doodles.

7. Write a short story.

8. Color in a coloring book.

9. Get dressed for the day.

10. Paint your nails.

11. Do your hair and make-up.

12. Stretch for 5 minutes.

13. Hydrate yourself.

14. Get outside.

15. Watch the sunrise/sunset.

16. Ride a bike.

17. Look at the sky, be still, breathe.

18. Take a walk.

19. Feel the sun on your face.

20. Turn on some music and dance.

21. Go for a drive.

22. Go on a photo walk/adventure.

23. Blow bubbles.

24. Eat a tasty treat.

25. Go to the temple.

26. Study scriptures/gospel literature.

27. Make a gratitude list.

28. Write a love note to yourself.

29. Buy fresh flowers.

30. Read a good book.

31. Organize something.

32. Put your phone down.

33. Go out on a girls night.

34. Write a letter to a friend.

35. List the things you love about yourself.

Is self-care something that comes easy to you, or do you struggle like I do? Let's all make a goal to take some time this week to do something for ourselves. Tell me in the comments what you plan to do!

16 Things to Love About Winter

January is a hard month for me. It is generally very dreary here in the Salt Lake Valley, especially because we get this awful inversion. I mean, we get it throughout the winter, but it's the worst in January. The inversion makes it hard to breathe and it traps the cold air underneath this thick, yucky blanket of nasty, smoggy air, and I swear it makes the month last longer. In all our years away from Salt Lake, in all my homesickness and desires to come back, I was always grateful, when January came around, that I didn't have to deal with the inversion.

So, here we are now. It's January. It's cold and dreary. And we live in Salt Lake again. The "fun" part of winter (Christmas) has come and gone, and I feel like it would be too easy to get mopey and let this time of year really get me down. We've made it through the first half of the month, and while the weather has been relatively mild so far, and I know January won't really last forever, I don't want to feel miserable for the rest of the month or the rest of the winter, however long that may be... So, I'm made a list, a list of the things I love about this time of year, the things that make January and the "boring" part of winter bearable.

Real quick, I want to say that I got this idea from a post I saw on Instagram by Lindsay Wilkins, and I loved it so much, I wanted to do something similar. You can see Lindsay's original post here.

Things I love about winter, January onward:

* Watching giant snowflakes gently falling out my window.

* Cuddling under a cozy blanket with a good book.

* The way a fresh blanket of snow makes the world look new and magical.

* All the scarves!

* The muffled crunch when you walk through fresh snow.

* Incredible, vibrant winter sunsets.

* Babies in cozy knit bonnets.

* The mountains covered in white.

* Layers! I'm always wearing multiple layers, during summer it's weird, in the winter it's normal!

* The quiet stillness of a winter night.

* My fingers wrapped around a toasty cup of hot cocoa.

* The random warm days when you can open the windows for a few hours.

* The days getting a little longer, bit by bit.

* So much underrated natural beauty, my photographer-self gets really excited about that.

* Anticipation of what's to come in the year ahead.

* And, of course, the anticipation of Spring!

What do you love about wintertime?

real life talk & pretty pictures

August 1st was a frustrating day. We were so close to the first day of school, but still far enough out that I was just feeling the general stress of summer break. As we approached the witching hour, I felt I was at my wits end. So, I did the only thing I could think of to regain my sanity. I piled everyone in the van to go on a photo safari. That way they bosslings would all be stuck in one place, limiting the amount of trouble they could get into, and I could enjoy the stress relief that comes when I pull out my camera and capture tiny, pretty things.

It had been rainy in town that day, so everything looked fresh and rejuvenated. Also, there are mosquitos in town and, after living here for about 15 months, I got my first bites that day. But it was still worth it. 

Around 6 we drove over to Mr. Boss, who was getting off work, and I traded cars with him. He took our circus home, took care of dinner and bed, and I got to drive around some more and enjoy peace and quiet and pretty things. 

Sometimes, as a mom, you just need an hour or two all to yourself. I didn't know that when I first became a mom, but I have learned quite well in the past couple of years that I really do need opportunities to be by myself, away from the kids and the responsibilities and the chaos. A couple of hours, every now and then, when I can just be me. 

Early signs of fall -- always makes me giddy.
(I ♡♡♡ autumn.)

The prettiest mailbox. 

I'm not sure what it is about
sunflowers and pine trees,
but it's pretty much my favorite. 

What have you done to take care of yourself lately? 

6 ideas to boost your mood

Recently, I wrote about how things have been pretty hard for us since moving to AZ. I was trying to have a good attitude in that post but, at that point, it was the middle of summer break, the babes and I were cooped up in our isolated oven-house with a broken down car taunting us from our driveway, on top of being pregnant and tired and everything else that has been hard about living here. Basically, I don't know how well I did in my attempt to not make that post one giant complain-fest.

Anyway, things have improved somewhat since then. For example, we have a running vehicle again (thanks to angels on earth). The kids are in school which gives me a bit of a break during the day. We still have a lot of hard things that we're dealing with, but there has been a lot happening to make it all feel a little easier to bear.

Along with things going a little better, I've been thinking about the little tools I've used to help pull myself out of a funk on the really rough days. I think one of the best ways to maintain a positive outlook, even amidst hard times, is to have some ideas set aside before the super hard days hit, things you can do to help lift your spirits when life is getting you down.

Here are some of the things I've done to boost my mood and help me through my own hard times:

1. Do something you love.

I know that when I'm in a rut, I can get myself feeling better by getting outside with my camera and taking some photos of nature. Just being outside is calming, but focusing on the tiny, beautiful details around me, the lighting, and my camera settings completely takes my thoughts off of the thing(s) that are contributing to my down and out feelings.

So, if you're having a hard day/week/month, get out there and do something you love. Do something that brings you joy every time you do it. Sometimes the motivation won't be there, it's been that way for me many times, but if you can make yourself do it anyway, I promise, it will help.

2. Turn on some music.

I don't know about you, but when I'm feeling grumpy and unmotivated, a sure fire way to instantly boost my mood and productivity is to turn on some lively tunes that I can sing along to. I think it's something I took from my childhood. My dad always had music playing while he worked around the house or in his garden, and it has stuck with me. When it's time to work: turn on the music.

Now, there are so many kinds of music, and some of it is not going to help. You do have to be intentional about the music you pick. For example, don't choose music that you would listen to when you want to sit in sadness and negativity. Instead choose something that is lively, that pumps you up, that excites you. I actually went through my music and made a mix of songs that I feel give me that boost in energy and mood. Whenever I feel myself dip into a funk, I've got that ready to go, all I need to do is turn it on.

3. Pray/meditate & read scriptures/uplifting literature.

I've been waking up pretty consistently anywhere between 5:30-6:30 most mornings for the past couple of months. It gives me the opportunity to start my day in peace and quiet, before the regular chaos of the day starts up. From the very start, I decided that, since there was nothing to distract me, the absolute first thing I would do on those early mornings would be to pray and read my scriptures. And let me tell you, my days go a lot smoother when I am able to start out that way. I find that, by the time everyone starts waking up, that I just feel more ready to handle what the day might bring. (As opposed to the mornings when I'm woken by the sound of children fighting or sneaking into the kitchen or my closet on the hunt for contraband goodies – because those days pretty much always end up feeling rushed and chaotic and frustrating.)

Just starting the day early gives me a boost, but coupling my early mornings with prayer and scripture study has really helped. I pretty much always feel motivated/inspired after reading through a chapter or two in my scriptures. And hashing out the things that I'm worried about/struggling with, and considering the things I'm grateful for helps me start the day feeling a bit less weighed down by the hard stuff.

Which leads me to...

4. Be grateful.

I feel like this one has maybe reached cliché status, but it's true. As we express gratitude we really do feel better. All of us will experience hard times, that’s just a fact of life. But even in our trials there is nearly always something to be grateful for. Anything from a working vehicle to the clothes on your back, or it could be that you have a rocking support system, a roof over your head, your health. Maybe it's something as simple as having the opportunity to witness a stunning sunset while you were stuck in traffic. When you actively think about and feel gratitude for the good things in life, your mood will improve.

When I've let negativity take over, I find it's a lot harder to think of things to be grateful for. So don't wait until things are hard to be grateful. If you can begin to develop the habit of expressing gratitude when things are going well, it will be a lot easier to keep it up when the going gets rough.

5. Remember the why.

A lot of our hard times over the past year have been a result of our financial state since moving to AZ. One thing we frequently try to talk about and remember is why we came here. We knew before coming that it would be a huge pay cut, we knew it would be financially difficult. We couldn't foresee just how hard things would be, didn't know that on top of the financial trouble that we'd experience some difficult car troubles, from totaling a car to having an unreliable piece of junk, that would leave us without a car for months at a time.

The point is, we didn't come here with the idea that things would be easy. But even with the understanding that it would be challenging, we still felt that it was the right thing to do. The way things worked out to get us here, the “coincidences” that kept happening along the way, were all taken as signs and encouragement that we were making the right choice.

So, on the days when the stress of life seems so heavy I can barely breathe, I remember why we came, as well as all the good that has come during our time here. Because it's been hard and sucky a lot, but it has also been a really incredible, humbling, beautiful experience.

6. Go easy on yourself.

One of the most important things you can do when you find yourself living through a crappy time is to not beat yourself up over it. Don't shame yourself for feeling upset over something you think shouldn't bother you. You might look around and think what you're going through is nothing compared to what your neighbor/friend/that random person online is going through, but that doesn't mean that what you're experiencing isn't hard. Pain is pain, struggle is struggle. Some days will be better than others, and some days will be awful. It's okay to have a bad day or a bad week from time to time.

There is nothing wrong with you if you find yourself in a rough patch. Everyone has good days and bad days for various reasons, so having tools and a plan in place to get through those hard times is a good idea. But remember, there might be days when all the positive thinking tools won't make a difference, and that's okay, too. Just don't let yourself get stuck in that negative space. Let yourself experience the hard day, accept it, work through it as much as you can, and then try again the next day. ♥

begin

There is something really wonderful about the feeling of paint on your fingers, of working yarn over needless, the feeling of a pencil/pen/brush in your hand... Something so satisfying about watching paint spread over paper or canvas, and something about the feeling of a heavy camera in hand, about the sound of the shutter. Are there words that can adequately describe the pain of working with wire, followed by the joy of holding the finished project in your hand?

Art by me, quote from this talk. 

To create is messy, overwhelming, peaceful, chaotic, vulnerable, personal, amazing, satisfying. Since I was a child, I have enjoyed drawing and writing. In high school I developed a love of painting and learned to knit. Somewhere in there I began using a camera to try and capture the incredible beauty I saw in the world.

When I became a mother, I pushed my creative interests aside. Being a mother became my main focus, which wasn't a bad thing. I love being a mother, love cuddling with my babies. But my first love was art, creating, my hands covered in paint as I created a beautiful mess. I lost myself in motherhood and found myself nursing an extreme case of mommy-burnout. Something needed to change.

I've tried at times to reintroduce myself to creating, but nothing seemed to stick. With such a variety of skills and interests, I'd become discouraged by my unfinished projects, feeling I lacked focus. I'm trying to break myself of that thinking. I want to embrace the process, the creative times and the restful times. But I'm going to keep trying, and I want to use this blog not only to hold on to memories of my babies as they grow, and the fun things we do, but also to capture my creative journey. To embrace the messy, the imperfect, the unfinished. I want to be able to encourage myself by recording my finished projects, by tracking growth. It is time to begin.

a brand new day.

I woke up this morning to what looked like gloomy, grey skies. As my eyes fluttered in a dance between sleep and wakefulness, I began to notice streaks of orange in the sky. I quickly grabbed my phone to check the time, and was surprised to see it was just after 5 am. I laid in bed a moment longer, formulating an idea. After that I moved pretty quickly, I hopped out of bed, grabbed my phone and camera, slid on some shoes, and slipped out the door. I tried to run up the hill outside our house, but that was too much too soon, instead I walked up just as fast as I could, so that I would quickly reach a place on the hill with a good view.

As I stood at the top, watching the glowing light grow on the horizon, I thought back over yesterday. It was my baby's birthday, which was hard and, parenting-wise, it was a pretty awful day. There was far too much yelling, fighting, whining, negativity. And, as it turns out, a lot of it came from me. I was the one who couldn't manage my own emotions, I was the one exploding every time something didn't go my way. In retrospect it appears that I was the one behaving childishly.

I stood reflecting, and watching as light began to touch the tree tops, and I wondered if this opportunity to be up watching the sun wasn't a coincidence. I felt my heart skip a little, and tried to soak in the beauty of the growing light. I watched as the trees, plants, and wildflowers were illuminated by the glow of the sun, which seemed to move so slowly, and yet suddenly embraced everything around me with it's shining rays.

I don't know what today will bring. I don't know if my children will be helpful or defiant, if they will be kind to one another or fight most of the day. But I am going to make the choice now to try really hard to remember how I felt as I watched the sunrise this morning, how I felt with each note of the morning bird's song, the warmth that washed over me as the light finally surrounded me. I am going to remember that and hope that, by calling on that memory, I can maintain peace in my heart and calm in my mind, whatever today may throw at me.

rare morning.

I set a goal for this week, to wake up at 6 every morning. This is day 2: 

I climbed out of bed at 6:05; bleary eyed, but determined. I switched on the lamp and turned up the heat because the house felt chilly. I wondered for a moment how I should start my day. I plugged in the Christmas lights and looked around my cluttered living room. First things first, I am going to tidy up this room while the children are out of the way. The sky outside our large living room window was dark as I worked, but I could see the darkness slowly beginning to fade into light. I skip vacuuming for now, it's too early.

I want to get the dishes done, but the couch looks inviting, so I settle in with a blanket and Book of Mormon. It's been so long since I read. I had made a reading goal for the year, but fell off track with it back in April and hadn't managed to get myself back into it. I pick up my phone and check my instagram notifications. Then notice the daily reading prompt from bofm365 on my home feed. I decide to read that.

I tried to read slowly and thoughtfully, but it was less than a chapter, so I finished quickly. The sky is much lighter, the clouds slightly tinged orange.

I reach for the December Ensign on my desk and read through that. My eyes feel tired. I need to stop reading. I kneel beside the couch to give thanks for the new day. Afterward, I realize this would be a great time to write, and turn on my computer. Then I change my mind. First, yoga.

I scan my memory, to recall the routine from one of the videos I have gotten from the library. It probably wasn't exact, but my practice was still pretty close. The sun touches the tips of the trees, giving the bare branches a golden glow. I hear the children talking in their room as I lay down for savasana. Breathe.

I can still hear them talking as I sit up again, the door begins to open as I whisper “Namaste.” I place my hands on my folded knees, the noise of the day begins to grow. I close my eyes and try to hang on to the quiet a moment longer. I hear footsteps. I open my eyes as my little two year old stumbles towards me. Arms open wide, he barrels into my for a big, good morning squeeze.

The sky outside is now a pale blue, thin gray clouds stretched out like blankets. The children are awake and talking my ear off. I can hear the baby talking to himself. The house comes to life.

Good Morning.