a walk in the park

This is the goal.
via.

I was scrolling through my photo archives on my computer recently, and came across some pictures from a little walk we took in 2014. I wasn't blogging then, so they were never shared, but they looked so lovely... I decided I couldn't keep them to myself.

To be honest, my first thought as I looked through them, and again as I sorted them into collages, was to write a mope-y post about how hard life has been lately. How, since we don't have a car and can't really go anywhere right now, I would share these pictures from a time when we had more options. From when we had sidewalks and grass and parks within walking distance. The plan was to be all woe-is-me in a "vulnerable", "real-talk" post, that would really be a way of trying to fish for sympathy. I'm going to try really hard to not make this post be what I'd originally planned for it to be. (Because who wants to read a whiny post like that?)

Instead of writing up my rant right away, I let the pictures sit in draft for a few days, while I thought of how to compose that post. In that time I began to notice that I've had a really bad attitude lately. I mean, things really are hard right now. For example, we're about two months without a family-size vehicle, for the second summer in a row and there is literally nothing within walking distance (except for wilderness and dirt). To say the kids and I are going crazy from being cooped up and isolated, too far from everything and anything, bickering a bunch because we don't know what else to do, would be an understatement. That isn't all that is making life feel overwhelmingly difficult right now, but I don't want this to turn into a laundry list of everything that's hard right now and woe is me, so lets move on.

Basically, I noticed that I've been focusing heavily on the negative. Like, it's been hard to get myself to see anything but the stuff that sucks. I tell myself to be positive, that there's always something to be happy about, even amidst a sea of less-than-stellar happenings. I know that I could improve my mood, and subsequently the general mood of the house, if I would open my eyes to the positive. Life wouldn't feel so hard if I would just see, and acknowledge, the good. Because there is a lot of good, there is always good, even during struggle and hardship.

I feel like I'm pretty good at putting on a brave face, when I finally get a chance to be out of the house. I've been able to use Mr. Boss's truck after he gets home if I need to and, thanks to the kindness of neighbors from the ward, we've been able to get to church pretty regularly. (Good things, right there!) Every week people ask how I'm doing, and I acknowledge that things are rough, but I put on a smile and talk about how I 'know things will all work out eventually', that I just 'need to be patient'. I feel like, when I talk to anyone, I'm able to do so in a way that shares our struggles without being a Debbie-downer. But I feel like a fake, like I'm putting up a positive front. I think I do it because we have been recipients of so much service, and I don't want to seem ungrateful (because I am so indescribably grateful!), or burdensome. But I get home and feel again the crushing weight of our hard and imperfect life. In the privacy and solitude of my home it's too easy to get bogged down by the feelings of isolation, the feelings of being trapped. When I'm home I feel like I'm drowning in the hard things and I forget how to be positive.

The perfect climbing tree.

I went on a walk Tuesday morning, before most everyone was awake. Last summer I was going on regular morning walks, but being pregnant and easily worn out, it seemed like too much effort to do now, seemed too hard. I made excuses. (I'm really good at those.) But, after waking up super early, I decided to just go for it. As I walked I thought, and I looked around at the beauty of nature in the rural area that is currently our home. I thought about all the things I used to love seeing when I'd go on my walks last year. I considered how we really do live in a beautiful place.

It's easy, when I see the same things day in and day out, to become bored. Easy to think my surroundings have become stale and have nothing to offer. It's easy for me to see what we don't have (like grass, sidewalks, nearby playgrounds, a car, etc.), and it's easy to overlook what we do have (lots of nature to explore, neighbors with farm animals that we can visit, a superb view of the stars at night...). If I go just beyond what I can see from our front porch, I find treasures, little details that delight my eyes, things that make living here a bit more worthwhile.

I'll probably struggle with my negative thoughts, to some degree, the whole time we live here. I like to think having a car will help, as well as having the kids back in school, but it's highly likely that, when I have those things, I'll find something else to complain about. I like to think I'm a positive person but, when I really analyze my thoughts, I find a lot of negativity.

Some days are better than others, some days I really am able to be optimistic. Outwardly, I think I'm pretty good at portraying a glass-half-full perspective. But most days it feels like it's one thing after another, to the point where I desperately want to escape. Even when we had a car, I would let myself become discouraged by feeling stuck, trapped, alone. I did the same in Denver, even though I had so much available to me there.

I'm trying to remember to look at the bright side, to notice and appreciate the awesome things about where we are right now. I'm trying to be patient with myself as I work on having a better attitude. I'm trying to not feel so discouraged by what we seem to lack (or by the daily fighting that's been happening). I'm trying to acknowledge and be grateful for what we do have. I'm trying to remember all the people who have helped us out, who made living here a little bit easier, a little bit better. It's a work in progress, and it's something I really want to become better at.

Doesn't that look glorious?

My tiny baby, N!

Stunning park roses.

What do you do to stay positive when things are hard?

tbt – denver zoo – march 16, 2015

This is something I've been meaning to share for months. Our last visit to the Denver Zoo. It was a beautiful March day, and we were aware of the possibility that we could be moving soon, so it seemed like a good idea.

And, can I just say, while I really love where we are living now, and think it is absolutely gorgeous here, I miss the convenience of having a zoo so close by. The truth is, there are quite a few things about living in a bigger city that I miss. It has become pretty clear that I am a city girl at heart. Anyway, on to the reminiscing. 

The bosslings were really excited by the bears that day. There was a big one pacing the back wall, and then this one was as close as could be, just sitting there. Watching. Sizing us up? It was pretty cool.

My favorite thing about that day was all of the signs of spring that were finally cropping up. Despite my allergies, springtime is still one of my favorite times of year. I love flowers. And color. And not-winter. 

The End.

dreary january outing.

When I decided to start blogging again, I didn't intend to let so much time pass between posts, I also decided that I didn't want to feel pressure to follow any sort of posting schedule. So, I'll post when I can and I'm trying really hard to be nice to myself when a couple of months pass between posts... oops.

Anyway, we've been having a really mild winter. We've had sunny days with highs in the 70's, as well as snowy days. It has been really delightful, and I've enjoyed the days when I can keep the windows wide open. It makes me really excited for spring (minus stupid allergies, definitely not looking forward to those.)

Despite the warmer days, we still weren't getting out much. It is just really hard to get out with 5 young kids. But a week ago, as I walked some trash out to the dumpster, I felt energized. It was a chillier day, but something about that 45 degree air was invigorating to me. I walked back inside and told the kids to get their shoes and jackets on, that we were going on walk.

After some drama, and more minutes than I wanted had passed, we made it out the door. Baby on my chest, and the rest able to run around and burn off their pent up energy. It was so good for all of us. We ended up at a nearby playground for a bit, until a couple of the boys started fighting over a piece of playground equipment that ended with a bloody lip. We'd brought nothing with us but my camera, phone, and keys, so the blood ended our outing. But it was fun while it lasted. Always an adventure.

And, since he was asleep on my chest the whole time, I had a little photo shoot with my tiniest stud muffin after the bloody lip was cleaned up.

rare morning.

I set a goal for this week, to wake up at 6 every morning. This is day 2: 

I climbed out of bed at 6:05; bleary eyed, but determined. I switched on the lamp and turned up the heat because the house felt chilly. I wondered for a moment how I should start my day. I plugged in the Christmas lights and looked around my cluttered living room. First things first, I am going to tidy up this room while the children are out of the way. The sky outside our large living room window was dark as I worked, but I could see the darkness slowly beginning to fade into light. I skip vacuuming for now, it's too early.

I want to get the dishes done, but the couch looks inviting, so I settle in with a blanket and Book of Mormon. It's been so long since I read. I had made a reading goal for the year, but fell off track with it back in April and hadn't managed to get myself back into it. I pick up my phone and check my instagram notifications. Then notice the daily reading prompt from bofm365 on my home feed. I decide to read that.

I tried to read slowly and thoughtfully, but it was less than a chapter, so I finished quickly. The sky is much lighter, the clouds slightly tinged orange.

I reach for the December Ensign on my desk and read through that. My eyes feel tired. I need to stop reading. I kneel beside the couch to give thanks for the new day. Afterward, I realize this would be a great time to write, and turn on my computer. Then I change my mind. First, yoga.

I scan my memory, to recall the routine from one of the videos I have gotten from the library. It probably wasn't exact, but my practice was still pretty close. The sun touches the tips of the trees, giving the bare branches a golden glow. I hear the children talking in their room as I lay down for savasana. Breathe.

I can still hear them talking as I sit up again, the door begins to open as I whisper “Namaste.” I place my hands on my folded knees, the noise of the day begins to grow. I close my eyes and try to hang on to the quiet a moment longer. I hear footsteps. I open my eyes as my little two year old stumbles towards me. Arms open wide, he barrels into my for a big, good morning squeeze.

The sky outside is now a pale blue, thin gray clouds stretched out like blankets. The children are awake and talking my ear off. I can hear the baby talking to himself. The house comes to life.

Good Morning.

halloween.

breakfast.

We began our Halloween morning with tasty pumpkin pancakes. Last year, the kids had requested that I make pumpkin flavored pancakes on Halloween morning, and they were such a hit that I knew we had to do it again. This year I even made a few with chocolate chip faces. The kids loved it, and they were so yummy!

costumes.

Unlike last year, we were very unprepared for this Halloween. We had been talking and brainstorming for weeks about costumes, but nobody would settle on anything. Z was all over the place with his requests. A robot! Lego Batman! A ghost like Charlie Brown! In between each new request, he'd give up and say he didn't want to dress up at all! It was really frustrating. 

Anyway, we thought and thought, but the only person with a for-sure costume was brand new baby N, who would wear the same ducky costume that had been worn by each of his older brothers on their first Halloween. We were scrambling to come up with something 2 weeks before, still stumped with a week to go, and ready to give up the day before. (Actually, Mr. Boss said he was giving up.) But I simply did not want to admit defeat. I couldn't! I'm not sure why I was so insistent on it, but I really wanted to get the kids dressed up and celebrate this holiday properly!

Halloween morning I awoke determined. C had been talking about being a lumberjack, which would be easy to pull off using things we had around the house. E had turned down every idea I'd had in the weeks prior, and hadn't been able to decide on anything, so I was pretty surprised when I suggested she be a pioneer, and she responded with an enthusiastic yes! Z, by Halloween, was set on being a ghost, so I pulled out an old sheet and cut it up for him. S was another tough one. I briefly considered reusing his costume from last year. After all, aside from the sleeves, it still fit pretty well. But that felt too easy. So I tried to figure something out.

By this point, Mr. Boss was so inspired by my determination, that he quickly made an ax for C to carry around, and painted some facial hair onto his cheeks, to really drive the lumberjack thing home. Then we pondered what we could do for our 4th child. We finally settled on dressing him as a scarecrow, and I ran out to see if I could find a straw hat at Goodwill. Instead, I hit the jackpot. A dinosaur costume in perfect condition appeared before me, and just so happened to be the right size. I quickly sent a picture home, so the two-year-old could decide for himself if he wanted it. Sure enough, he did, so I brought it home. The best part about that was that all Halloween merchandise was on sale for half off, bringing my total to $3.75! It was a Halloween miracle!

The sad thing is that, by the time I returned home, there was only time to finalize costumes, and no time for pictures! Not only that, but Z was back to saying he didn't want to dress up at all. Thankfully, Mr. Boss had gotten pictures of the older two, unfortunately they were just on his phone, but--surprisingly--I think they turned out nicely. 

church party.

There was a church party that night, a potluck, and Mr. Boss had prepared my favorite tomato basil soup for us to take along. We loaded everyone into the van and made our way to the church gym. It was loud and crazy--like, they had a bouncy castle set up in the gym!--(which seems unusual for a church party, but whatever).

Z was pretty grumpy, he wouldn't put on his costume, and all he wanted to eat were treats. Oh well. 

A quick story. You know you're a mom when...

Before the party really got started, we had to have a prayer. But there were a bunch of kids in the bouncy castle who would not settle down. I watched as a couple of missionaries walked over and tried, unsuccessfully, to calm them. After a moment, I stood up and walked over. Once I was close enough I shouted: "HEY! Settle down for the prayer!" As soon as I spoke, each child suddenly dropped to the floor of the castle. They didn't stay quiet for long, but I'd gotten their attention just long enough. After this, one of the missionaries who'd been trying to quiet them before I'd walked over turned to me and said, "Wow! You are such a mom!" Yeah, kind of. Ha.

trick-or-treating.

After we'd all eaten, we decided to get out of there to do some real trick-or-treating. As we drove to the neighborhood where we'd planned to visit, I had a little talk with Z.

"Hey, buddy. We're going trick-or-treating now! I know you said you don't want to wear your costume, and that is fine, but only kids who are dressed up get to trick-or-treat. Kids who don't dress up stay in the car. What would you like to do?"
He responded thoughtfully, with just a hint of a smirk, "Hmmm... Well, I think I will just... wear my costume..." 

The weather had been so nice all day, and temperatures were still pretty mild by evening. So much different than last years cold, biting wind. All of the children were excited as we walked from house to house, especially little S. He held tight to his little bag, and walked up to each door with his siblings, full of confidence. 

Meanwhile, a cute little duck slept, cozily strapped to my chest.

happy halloween.

snow day.

I was really excited that we hadn't seen any snow, pleased that Halloween came and went without any of the nasty white stuff. But we do live in Denver, so I knew it would come eventually. And come it has. 

I've said it before, and I'll probably say it again: I hate the stuff, but darn, it sure is pretty. 

I mentioned on Instagram, but I'll tell you here, too. I had to get pretty well bundled up to get these pictures. My layers consisted of: fleece lined tights, leggings, pajama pants, thick socks, knee-high waterproof boots, 2 shirts, a cardigan, a coat, a waterproof jacket, thick hat, infinity scarf, and a pair of gloves. By the time I returned home (I was out for about 30 minutes) my face and thighs were numb, but the rest of me was warm and cozy.