Pregnancy Update - 37 Weeks

Full term. Could go in to labor any time and it would be fine. How? How are we already here?

A few updates:

Physically: I mostly feel pretty good. I feel like my belly is small for basically being at the end of the pregnancy, but I think I feel that way every time. My measurements have been right on throughout the pregnancy, though, so even though I feel like I'm small, I'm right on track.

One of the not so fun parts about this stage is the heartburn/reflux - it's not my favorite, but I try to deal with it as best I can. I'll be really disappointed if this babe comes out with minimal hair. I've actually joked that he'd better come out with a full head of hair and ZZ Top beard, for all the heartburn I've had. Ha.

As far as aches and pains, I've only got one, but it's pretty intense. It started a couple of months ago, if I was walking too much (which, for me, isn't actually very much..) I would get really sore in my thighs, specifically the inner thigh. It wasn't debilitating at first, just a minor annoyance.

I can't recall exactly when, I think somewhere around 33-34 weeks, it started to get worse. Not only was I feeling the pain in my thighs, but in my pubic bone. Lifting my legs into pants or to climb in a car became so painful, and my ability to walk normally has disappeared.

My understanding is that pregnant women waddle when the baby's head sinks into the pelvis, which makes walking with the legs close together more difficult. For me, the waddling began because of pain. I don't know if I could even call it waddling, it feels more like I'm limping.

The pain is fairly constant, but there are definitely good days and bad days. These are determined by my activity level. For the most part, I am walking and trying to be on my feet a lot less, but there are days when I need to get errands done or whatever, and end up pushing my body too hard which can take days to recover from. Aside from taking it easy, there's not much I can do about the pain right now. The only "cure" is to have this baby.

I still experience moments of panic and anxiety  but we've been doing a lot of solid work in therapy, so I have a bunch of tools to calm myself down when I start to freak out. I think one of the most valuable tools is the realization that it's okay to feel the fear. Simply by validating myself for feeling afraid, the intensity of my panicking diminishes. It's been really amazing. I've felt the panic come on, acknowledge it for what it is, validate myself, and am able to talk myself down from there, before it can escalate. It may seem like a small thing, but for me this is huge!

Mr. Boss thinks this little one will come early, but I'm fully prepared for him to be like his sisters and come 2 weeks late. Either way, we won't have to wait too much longer to find out! It's equal parts exciting and overwhelming. I honestly cannot believe how soon our newest babe be here. Time is moving too fast!

Bossling #7!

I assume most of you who read this have already seen via Facebook or Instagram, but I figured it was time to blog about it, too.

We are expecting our 7th little bossling babe later this year!

I'm due mid - November, but I'm basically calling the entire second half of the month, since I assume I'm most likely to go over.

That puts me just over halfway, which means I also know that we're having ...

Another little Boy!

I did want another girl, so I felt a little disappointed at first, but as I see my boys doing sweet things here and there, it makes me feel more excited for this new little guy.

Cute stuff like comforting his big sis
because she was upset about getting another brother.

Physically, I'm feeling pretty good. I struggled a lot with intense food aversions for the first while that made eating extremely difficult. Aside from that, I'm still one who doesn't get very sick, and I don't have a big belly or the discomforts of later pregnancy, yet. Except heartburn. That started up the past week or two. It comes on just about every evening, and it is not my favorite.

22 weeks

Emotionally, well that's a big can of worms. Usually I feel really excited to be pregnant, I am one of those weirdos who enjoy being pregnancy, and the thought of a new tiny babe is usually thrilling enough to help me remain positive through any discomfort I might experience. But... I haven't really been able to feel those excited feelings this time around, as I've been fairly consumed by some pretty intense anxiety.

23 weeks

I developed an ever-increasing fear of labor and birth after my fourth was born. I worked pretty hard to work through my fears leading up to my last birth, and I had really hoped that it had been enough, but within a few days of the positive test, I began having some pretty severe panic attacks and anxiety.
The fears were so intense, I couldn't even look up midwives without a near meltdown. I was 12 or 13 weeks before finally contacting midwives to interview, and didn't officially choose one until 15 weeks.

24 weeks

I finally came to the conclusion that I needed help to work through these issues, and have since started seeing a therapist. It's still early, but I'm hopeful that we'll get to the bottom of and work through my fears.

Aside from that we're all pretty excited for a new baby brother. He's growing so fast and I'm feeling him more everyday, it's scary and exciting and surreal. 

pondering life

Sometimes, late at night, I think about my life. I think about where I am, how I got here, if I'm happy, if I'm where I want to be...
These thoughts are fueled by movies, music, or the general happenings of the day. It just depends on what strikes me.
Tonight, (as this sweet little being dances within my abdomen,) my thoughts are fueled by a movie. (500) Days of Summer. (And the killer soundtrack.)

I kind of feel like Cori and I are Summer and Tom. Except the whole part where...(I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone, but if you've seen it, then you can see how Cori and I are probably not so much like them.)
Allow me to explain:

I wasn't looking for a relationship. I was dreaming and planning a big life. One that started as a New York nanny, one that would eventually find me in a New York or California art school. I wasn't exactly in the best place, mentally and emotionally, as I planned this, but I didn't think it would stop me.
I had known Cori for a while, and there was always chemistry and compatibility, from the very beginning. But when he entered my life more seriously I wasn't interested. I liked him. I knew he liked me. But I was trying to go somewhere far from where I was, and I wasn't looking for the baggage of a boy back home. He knew this. He respected it, and he set out to be the only thing I was asking for: a friend.
Then came the set backs. I was interviewing with families over the phone, but nobody seemed interested in me. I gave up when the calls stopped coming. Nannying was not to be. (Secretly, I was relieved. I don't think I was ever fully comfortable with the idea of tending the children of some complete strangers. And the families I spoke with were probably able to sense this.)
No longer planning to leave, Cori made his move. It started with the necklace and a letter. Simple, 3 small diamonds on a plain strand and the note, he'd planned to give me these things the day I eventually left for New York. It was a sweet, although very unnerving, gesture. A few days (nights, really) later he kissed me.
I wanted it, but I was still taken aback by it, and didn't really kiss back. I was nervous and jumpy (like a little mouse.) A week later, at the stroke of midnight on New Year's, we kissed. I kissed back. This is the day I claim in my head as the day we became "something official." (4 years ago! Wild.)
I still had these plans, but they became somewhat obscured by Cori and his new constant place in my life. And things went quickly from there.
He asked me to marry him, a surprise to the both of us, on March 25th. We had taken a day trip to Moab in search of campgrounds, and instead had this really interesting, enlightening sort of discussion. The proposal followed the discussion. It felt right, but at the same time it felt strange when I said "yes."
Over the next few weeks we became more wrapped up in each other, keeping our engagement secret for a time, not wanting to be judged by others for moving "too quickly." On May 14th, Mother's Day, Cori slipped a ring on my finger as we sat in his car in front of his mother's house.
Then we went in and made our announcement.
Silently I felt uneasy, unsure. I still wanted to go to art school.
I picked a day, August 25th. (It has a few "meanings" 8:25, of 2nd Nephi, is my favorite scripture because it sounds pretty. My birthday is in April, his in December: 4+8=12. My birthday is the 8th, his the 17th: 8+17=25.) And we planned. We got our engagement pictures done by a friend, (this same friend was also our Reverend.) We made our invitations by hand. Simple, but lovely.
As the day approached my unease grew, but I never confided this to anyone. I figured it to be the standard "cold feet" that everyone talks about. I reasoned with myself. Everything that had happened seemed to be pushing us to this point. There was something about our conversation in Moab, something about the way our lives met at a time when both of us seemed to need each other for our different reasons. It seemed to sure to have been planned. I don't want to say it was all coincidence, because I don't think it was like that. But it didn't seem like we'd come to this point fully on our own. We felt led.
Still, I wondered if getting married was right.
Of course, I did go through with it. Nerves, doubts and all. I don't say it like that to sound like I wasn't happy. I was. I was thrilled, drunk on love, all that good stuff. I was a great big jumble of happy and nervous. I was both sure and unsure.

But after watching (500) Days, I'm wondering. Wondering what things might have ended up like had I let the nerves take over. Would we have stayed together? Would we have gotten married farther down the road? Would we have been finished if I'd called off the wedding?
I'm wondering if we had split, would we have moved on, and tried to follow our dreams? Would I have made it to art school? Might I have married someone else? Would my life be more where I figured it would be at this point, as opposed to what it is? Would Cori have followed his dreams? Could the crushing blow of my breaking things off have sent him off to focus on himself?
Would my life be glamorous?

I am glad that I went through with the wedding. As much as I am surprised, daily, by where I have ended up in life, I am pleased. I am happy. I have found incredible joy in motherhood. And, though we have our problems, I am in love with Cori more than ever.
As I wonder how things might have been I consider what I know about myself. And, to be perfectly honest, I don't think I would have made it to art school.
The plans I had for myself were wonderful, and it would have been amazing to fulfill them. But I don't think I had enough drive or motivation. I get nervous when I have to do things alone. For as long as I could, I convinced my mom to take care of grown up things for me. I never would have lasted if I had moved myself so far from my family.
So, even though I'm in a different place than I hoped, and even though I felt, at times, that I'd trapped myself, with no way out, I'm happy. I wouldn't trade my life for anything. As weird as it is to think "I'm a mom," I wouldn't want it any other way.
(And if this seems back and forth-y, I'm sorry. I really tried to make sense. And if it seems like I post some version of our love story too often, I'm sorry. I just keep thinking of new things I want to say, new things I want to share. I don't mean to be so repetitive. It just happens. And I'm not really sorry, because this is my blog, and I can write about whatever I want.)

why?

Here's what I want to know. How is it that the man laying next to me can fall asleep so easily? I'm telling you, his head hits the pillow and poof he's out. All the while I lie here next to him with my mind yammering on about this and that, keeping me awake for way too long. The house is quiet, except for deep breathing, occasional snoring, and the heater turning on and off, inside my head it's a circus.
As I'm laying, perfectly comfortable, and maybe, finally, drifting off, I hear a noise. I'm all ears, wide awake again. It's Conrad, whimpering in his sleep. Nothing to get out of bed for, but I keep my ears open, in case it should become a reason to check on him.
And then I think: "Why? Why is it that, even if I'm asleep, I pick up on these soft noises of possible distress from my babies?" And not so much "Why do I hear them?" as "Why doesn't Mr. Boss hear them? Why does he get to sleep soundly, uninterrupted by nighttime peeps?"
Just one of the many random things I'm thinking about as I try to fall asleep tonight.

imagining the days to come, with a failing hold on yesterday

She fell asleep in my arms tonight. Nestled in the crook of my arm, my precious girl, filled her belly with goodness and her mind with dreams.
Her very first birthday is less than 2 weeks away. I am busy planning her party. The invitations are done, and are being distributed. Truthfully, I'm not entirely sure how I plan to entertain our guests, but I've got a couple of ideas.
Tonight, as she slept and ate, I ran my fingers though her hair, caressed her soft little face and her impossibly round cheeks. I held her tiny hand in mine, and felt the weight of her body across my chest. I don't want to forget how she feels right now.
Sometimes I wish I could pause a moment, like a photograph, if only to make it last a bit longer. Sadly that is simply not a possibility. This is why I was taking so much of her in. Feeling, caressing, squeezing, holding. If I cannot pause this moment I would at least like to remember it, vividly and fondly.
It's strange to think my substantial little cherub will be 1 so soon. Even as she grows and accomplishes new things I find myself thinking there is no way this girl is older than 6 months!

She is walking. Wobbly for now, with lots of tumbles. She is currently unable to stand herself up, and still has to grab hold of something to brace herself with. But once she's up she'll let go and walk around, with a grin on her face, until she falls down.
She is talking. Words and phrases I have heard from her sweet little mouth: Mama, Daddy, dog/doggy, get down, got you, good job, love you (it was beautiful,) and as of this morning touch.
She is a stinker. She meanders her way over to the bookshelf 1000 times a day, happily grabbing books and tossing them to the floor with a thud!
She's climbing, on anything that is low enough. Thank goodness we don't have stairs!
She is a spirited and daring young thing. She is bright and sunny. She is silly. She is fantastic.
When I'm changing her clothes, I leave her for a moment without a shirt on. Without fail she starts patting her tummy with her pudgy little hands. I suppose she enjoys the slapping noise as she uses her body as a drum.

As the year fades away I find myself looking ahead to the unknown. I miss what I've left behind, dearly, but I know there are new adventures waiting for us.
I'll tell you this much, though. Having now met the first birthday of one, I haven't found it any easier to accept that another one has grown and is ready to meet a new year. Every birthday, every reminder that my babies are growing away from being babies, will break my heart. It will never become easier, in fact, it may become more difficult.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm strong enough.

this little piggy

I feel like a complete slacker.
Do you ever have those random mornings, the ones where you try to stay in bed as long as you can? The ones where you have trouble getting started?
That has been going on daily for me. Even on the nights when I've gone to bed at a somewhat decent hour, I find myself fighting the wake-up the next morning. I have just felt so tired the last few days. I've been going about my house, tending to the kids, spending most of my time nestled in a chair while the dishes in my sink soak the day away.
I'm finding that, once 3-4 PM rolls around, I suddenly feel really pathetic about still being in my pajamas and nothing but a messy house to show for myself. That is when I'm finally able to push the laziness aside and get dressed, fix my hair, don an apron and clean the dishes. I've found putting some upbeat music in the CD player helps a little. It also entertains the kids for a bit, I know because of how they jump and dance around, their giggles filling the house.
I just don't understand why I keep having these sorts of days. I'm so behind on my School Days assignments, but I've been stumped, or simply haven't found the time to sit and type it out with my achy thumbs. (Oh, what I would give to have my own computer, instead of always relying on this dinky phone!)
Why am I so unmotivated in the AM as of late? Why can't I get moving? Is there a trick to morning productivity? If anyone has any suggestions on how I might regain some oomph to my mornings, please! I'm all ears!
Aside from that issue all is well, and I'm off to bed.
Goodnight.