begin

There is something really wonderful about the feeling of paint on your fingers, of working yarn over needless, the feeling of a pencil/pen/brush in your hand... Something so satisfying about watching paint spread over paper or canvas, and something about the feeling of a heavy camera in hand, about the sound of the shutter. Are there words that can adequately describe the pain of working with wire, followed by the joy of holding the finished project in your hand?

Art by me, quote from this talk. 

To create is messy, overwhelming, peaceful, chaotic, vulnerable, personal, amazing, satisfying. Since I was a child, I have enjoyed drawing and writing. In high school I developed a love of painting and learned to knit. Somewhere in there I began using a camera to try and capture the incredible beauty I saw in the world.

When I became a mother, I pushed my creative interests aside. Being a mother became my main focus, which wasn't a bad thing. I love being a mother, love cuddling with my babies. But my first love was art, creating, my hands covered in paint as I created a beautiful mess. I lost myself in motherhood and found myself nursing an extreme case of mommy-burnout. Something needed to change.

I've tried at times to reintroduce myself to creating, but nothing seemed to stick. With such a variety of skills and interests, I'd become discouraged by my unfinished projects, feeling I lacked focus. I'm trying to break myself of that thinking. I want to embrace the process, the creative times and the restful times. But I'm going to keep trying, and I want to use this blog not only to hold on to memories of my babies as they grow, and the fun things we do, but also to capture my creative journey. To embrace the messy, the imperfect, the unfinished. I want to be able to encourage myself by recording my finished projects, by tracking growth. It is time to begin.

thankfulness. day 7

I am grateful that we have plenty of good food, and the means to get more when we need it.

"Thank God For Dirty Dishes"
Author Unknown

Thank God for dirty dishes;
They have a tale to tell.
While others may go hungry,
We're eating very well.
With home, health, and happiness,
I shouldn't want to fuss;
By the stack of evidence,
God's been very good to us.

thankfulness. day 4

I am grateful to have a warm bed and a roof over my head.

quoting

Today I am sharing a "favorite quote and why [I] love it." I'm actually going to share two.

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away."

Henry David Thoreau

I saw this one every day of my freshman year of high school. My English teacher had it put up in her classroom. From the first time I read it, it spoke to me, and has stuck with me. At first I think it merely inspired me, or put a desire within me, to be one who heard a different drummer. I wanted to be different.

Later, as I began to really search out who I was, it encouraged me to not be afraid to be myself, even if it was unusual.

It also reminds me to be careful about judging others. Reminds me that, perhaps, they just hear a different beat than I do. Doesn't make them right or wrong, just... different.

*****

"Don't give up. Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead... You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come."

Jeffrey R. Holland

read the talk or just watch the video

I mentioned in yesterday's post that I recently taught a class at church. As I was preparing my lesson, this quote came to my mind. It fit in well with my lesson, but it's also just plain good. Because life is the sort of thing that can really get you down. Big or small, we all have problems at one time or another. This quote reminds me to keep my chin up. It gives me hope. Even when it seems like everything is going wrong, and the light at the end of the tunnel is so far and so small that it can't yet be seen, there is hope. It will be all right in the end. I will be okay. I just love that.

five things.

The pictures have nothing to do with the post, they're just cute. I had taken down our Christmas tree before we left for California ― so I wouldn't have to deal with the mess when I got home. And today I took down the rest of the Christmas stuff. I was sad to put the twinkly lights away, they are my favorite. Now they're gone, replaced, once again, by strings of paper hearts. They don't twinkle, but they do make me smile.

I've been thinking about a dress I bought a few years ago, specifically for a concert. It was such a lovely shade of purple, and it had pockets. I have a serious thing for dresses and skirts with pockets. I loved that dress. I had a lot of fun with it. But I ended up sending it to the thrift store with a bunch of other old clothes before we moved to Denver. I hadn't thought about it much, until recently. I'm pining for my old dress, and regret getting rid of it. Is that weird? To mourn a piece of clothing? Oh well, I miss it...

I didn't really make any new year's resolutions until about 2 weeks into January. Then, on a whim, I decided I wanted to read the Book of Mormon 5 times, and I want to take more pictures of Mr. Boss and myself, because there are hardly any of us together. Please hold me accountable for these goals.

I have this conflict going on inside my head, concerning Z's hair: To Cut, or Not To Cut. That is the question. Boss says no way, and I usually agree with him, because I can't bear to part with that soft, blonde shag. It is so wild, and always gets in his face, but it's so cute. So. Cute. I'd love for all of my boys to be clean cut, respectable, put together... But it suits him so well. And it makes him look like baby Thor. So the conflict rages on.

Life has thrown us some serious curve balls as of late. Being a grown up is so stressful. It's hard not to wish for the old days when I hardly had a care in the world. But difficult as things are, I am still happy with where I'm at. All I have to do is look at my little family, and I know I've got everything I need.
I know that everything will be okay, it will all work out. Things look scary right now, and we'll likely struggle for a while, it will be difficult, and we will have to do hard things, but we'll make it through. (I'm doing my best not to complain... “No misfortune is so bad that whining about it won’t make it worse.” ― Jeffrey R. Holland)

gratitude. day 22

Tonight I am feeling incredibly grateful for family. I am far from my parents, my siblings, my in-laws, and I miss them terribly. I am grateful, though, to know them, to be related to them, to have so many wonderful memories of being with them. I am grateful for my extended family, cousins, aunts, uncles. Every one of them has blessed my life in some way, and I love each of them, even though I don't see them often or know them as well as I'd like to. I am grateful for my "ward family", for the many people here who have taken us under their wing, included us, loved us, and made us feel welcome. (And I have to include my last "ward family" from Utah, I miss them, and am grateful for their friendships, and that those friendships have continued even though we're all so far from each other.) There are so many wonderful people in my life, near and far. I hope each of them knows how much I appreciate them, how much I love them, and how grateful I am to know them.

gratitude. day 21

I am grateful to know that I am not forgotten. "When upon life's billows [I am] tempest tossed", though I may become discouraged, I know am not alone.
I am grateful to know that I am a daughter of God. I am grateful to know that He knows me.

gratitude. day 20

I'm grateful for my glasses.
I'm grateful that my children are not only willing, but excited when it's their turn to pray.

gratitude. day 19

I am grateful for yarn,
for paint,
for pretty papers.
I am grateful for the ability to create
things that are useful,
pretty things to look at,
things to share with others.

gratitude. day 18

I am grateful for Sunday naps.
I am grateful that the children did not destroy the house while I was resting.

What are you grateful for?

giggles and gratitude. day 17

Baby boy laughed today, It was such an amazingly wonderful moment. I wish I could think of a way to describe the feeling it gave me. It was like fullness of pure joy. Like fluttering butterflies. Like my own giggle caught in my throat, tickling my insides.

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I am grateful for sisters.
I am grateful for tomatoes.
I am grateful for apple cider.
I am grateful for hot showers.
I am grateful for twinkling lights.
I am grateful for hugs.
I am grateful for cute hats.
(especially ones for babies.)
I am grateful for chicken noodle soup.
I am grateful for yellow.
I am grateful for silliness.
I am grateful for love.

gratitude. day 15

I was feeling kind of sorry for myself. Because I got a parking ticket yesterday... and then another today. And some other reasons. But it's all silly. Ridiculous, really. Because two little parking tickets are nothing.

I am so grateful for my health, for the health of my family.
I'm grateful that we have a vehicle, two actually, that are reliable.
I'm grateful for people who are forgiving and patient with me when I am feeling stressed and overwhelmed with my children.
And I am so very grateful for chocolate. (Chocolate pretty much makes everything manageable.)

gratitude. day 14

I am grateful that baby S chose today to nap for 2+ hours without being held,
so I didn't have to worry about him while I battled a random bout of nausea this morning.
And I'm grateful that the older 3 didn't cause much trouble
(they sat and watched Little House on the Prairie while Z ripped up some old magazines)
as I fell in and out of sleep during my morning battle.
And I'm grateful that they were so forgiving of me, for taking until after 10 to feed them breakfast,
and that they were happy with the simple breakfast of buttered toast that I served them.

gratitude. day 13

I am grateful...
for colorful tights
for skirts
for opportunities to explore
for free baby-sitters (so, so, grateful!)
for happy mail
for quiet days
for good books.

gratitude. day 12

Today I am grateful for my camera, for memories documented.
I am grateful for libraries.
I am grateful for my vacuum.

gratitude. day 11

I am grateful for my goofy Mr. Boss.
I am grateful for the way he makes the children giggle,
for the way he flies them around the room,
and that he gets down on the floor to play and wrestle with them.
I am grateful that he is the one who my children call "papa".

gratitude. day 10

I have a confession to make. I've been listening to Christmas music since last month. More truthfully, I've been listening to it here and there all year long. I've never been much of a Christmas music fan, but it's all I want to listen to these days. It makes the days, especially grey and stormy ones like today, feel cozy and dreamy and magical. It also makes me want to watch "The Santa Clause" with Tim Allen. I haven't seen that movie in a few years, and for some reason I really want to watch it.

Anyway, I'm grateful for Christmas music,
specifically Christmas music that is all instrumental, no vocals.
And I'm grateful for my warm little home.

gratitude. day 9

I am grateful for blankets and cuddles.
I am grateful for tiny toes and for little helpers.

gratitude. day 8

I've been feeling pretty discouraged and stressed and overwhelmed lately. I know things will work out the way that they are supposed to, and I know that trials are just difficult learning experiences, but that doesn't mean it's easy to handle the set-backs and struggles. But, hard as it is right now, I am grateful for the things I am going through right now, for the difficulties facing my family. I'm grateful, because it is an opportunity for us to grow stronger, to learn to rely more on one another, to strengthen our faith and our resolve. I believe that we are where we are supposed to be, and this is just part of the experience. 

I'm also grateful to and for the many people who have reached out to and helped my little family in the past few weeks and months.

gratitude. day 7

I'm grateful for laughter, for light, for the sun shining brightly in the sky.
I am grateful to know that there is a plan for us.