Pregnancy Update - 37 Weeks

Full term. Could go in to labor any time and it would be fine. How? How are we already here?

A few updates:

Physically: I mostly feel pretty good. I feel like my belly is small for basically being at the end of the pregnancy, but I think I feel that way every time. My measurements have been right on throughout the pregnancy, though, so even though I feel like I'm small, I'm right on track.

One of the not so fun parts about this stage is the heartburn/reflux - it's not my favorite, but I try to deal with it as best I can. I'll be really disappointed if this babe comes out with minimal hair. I've actually joked that he'd better come out with a full head of hair and ZZ Top beard, for all the heartburn I've had. Ha.

As far as aches and pains, I've only got one, but it's pretty intense. It started a couple of months ago, if I was walking too much (which, for me, isn't actually very much..) I would get really sore in my thighs, specifically the inner thigh. It wasn't debilitating at first, just a minor annoyance.

I can't recall exactly when, I think somewhere around 33-34 weeks, it started to get worse. Not only was I feeling the pain in my thighs, but in my pubic bone. Lifting my legs into pants or to climb in a car became so painful, and my ability to walk normally has disappeared.

My understanding is that pregnant women waddle when the baby's head sinks into the pelvis, which makes walking with the legs close together more difficult. For me, the waddling began because of pain. I don't know if I could even call it waddling, it feels more like I'm limping.

The pain is fairly constant, but there are definitely good days and bad days. These are determined by my activity level. For the most part, I am walking and trying to be on my feet a lot less, but there are days when I need to get errands done or whatever, and end up pushing my body too hard which can take days to recover from. Aside from taking it easy, there's not much I can do about the pain right now. The only "cure" is to have this baby.

I still experience moments of panic and anxiety  but we've been doing a lot of solid work in therapy, so I have a bunch of tools to calm myself down when I start to freak out. I think one of the most valuable tools is the realization that it's okay to feel the fear. Simply by validating myself for feeling afraid, the intensity of my panicking diminishes. It's been really amazing. I've felt the panic come on, acknowledge it for what it is, validate myself, and am able to talk myself down from there, before it can escalate. It may seem like a small thing, but for me this is huge!

Mr. Boss thinks this little one will come early, but I'm fully prepared for him to be like his sisters and come 2 weeks late. Either way, we won't have to wait too much longer to find out! It's equal parts exciting and overwhelming. I honestly cannot believe how soon our newest babe be here. Time is moving too fast!

First Day of Kindergarten

After a week of kindergarten, I think S and I are in agreement that half-day kinder is a huge tease, and we both wish he could be in school all day. Unfortunately, that's not an option, so we're trying to make the best of it.

These photos from his first day, though, they make me so happy. ❤️

First Day of School

We made it! Summer break has ended and school is back in session. Hallelujah!

And it's not just mom whose excited. The kids were up and dressed before I'd even gotten out of bed. There was time for me to do E's hair in pigtail braids, take lots of photos, and have family prayer.

Of course, not everyone started today, although he's in the group photo, our new little kindergartener won't actually start until Thursday. He can hardly wait!

I wasn't able to get a group shot with all 6 babes, like in years previous, because the two youngest slept until quite a while after the older kiddies had gone. Which, yeah, I'm definitely praying that that continues, can you imagine the quiet, peaceful mornings with kids either gone or sleeping? I could do anything with that time! It's gonna be magical.

Life Just Keeps Moving

I pulled out my personal journal for the first time in over a year this afternoon. That means the last time I wrote in it, we were still living in Arizona, and honestly, didn't even know yet that we would be moving soon, nevermind all of the things that have happened in the year since. I've been wanting to get back into regular writing for a while now, I just kept pushing it off, meanwhile, time just keeps trucking along, whether I like it or not. It makes me want to be better at writing in my personal journal because having a physical record and notes of the passing of time makes it feel a bit less severe or shocking.

Speaking of severe and shocking, this is the last week of school for my older kids. I only have to hassle them to get out of bed and out the door for 4 more days. Which, in some ways, feels magical (goodbye, invasive early alarms!), and in others, terrifying. 12 weeks with all the kids home with me every day... (Maybe those invasive alarms aren't so bad after all...?) 

The truth is, I've been working on a plan to maintain sanity, a list of activities and outings to break up the dog days of summer. I did something similar last year, and I felt like it made a huge difference. I need to finish putting this year's plan in order, but it's on its way, so I'm not feeling as apprehensive about going into summer break as I let on. 

Anyway, I've been feeling the pull to get back to writing and sharing here, so I'm going to try and be better about that, too. Now for a little photo dump of things that have happened recently. 

At a wedding reception, early May.

Look how big everyone is getting!

Yard hangs. And somebody got glasses...

Bosslings 2 & 3 earned an award from school!

Sisters, including the best little scowler.

E and her friend, K. Baby H being silly.

back to school.

5th grade, 3rd grade, 2nd grade

Monday, August 21st was the big day, ready or not. Not for me, I was feeling pretty frazzled and unprepared. Even though I knew it was coming, it felt like the first day totally snuck up on me. Our final weekend before school started was pretty busy as I scrambled to make sure we knew where classrooms were, that backpacks were ready, that there were clean clothes to wear and outfits picked out. But we made it! Phew!

The bosslings were a mix of nerves and excitement to start at their new school. They definitely miss their school, teachers, and friends back in Flagstaff, but they were also excited to have a chance to make some new friends.

C is in 5th grade now. Which is weird. But a little less weird since it's not his last year in elementary like it would be in Flag. He's enjoying his new school, but he also really misses his old school.

E is in 3rd grade. She insisted on doing her own hair for the first day, a low ponytail. Where did my baby go? She's already made some friends and is enjoying the different ways her new school does things, like breakfast and lunch. #itsthelittlethings

Z is in 2nd grade. It's crazy that this sweet boy is already in 2nd. I have several vivid memories from 2nd grade, and it is totally blowing my mind that my third child is in 2nd!!

S has started and online, at-home pre-k course. He is loving it so far and has already learned so much in the week and a half he's been doing it.

N thinks that he does computer school, like his big brother. He doesn't, but he'll get to next year.

Quick throw-back:

Here are the bossling's 1st, 2nd, and 3rd first days of school. These five babies of mine have grown so much! Little N was barely a year old in the first pic, now he's a wild and rowdy 3-year-old chatterbox!

Once baby H woke up, we were able to get a first-day shot with all six!

Walking to the bus stop and waiting for it to arrive. Can I just say that I am so happy that the kids will still be riding a bus to school! Hooray for avoiding the dreaded school pick-up line!

Poor N, he was so upset when the bus pulled away without him on it. The shot of the bus driving away around the corner was taken at such a low angle because I shot it while I was squatting down to give him a hug. 😔💔

After that, we hurried home, loaded the little 3 in the van and drove to meet the kiddos at school. We've done this every year that they've been in school and maybe it's cheesy, but I love it. Plus, it gives me peace of mind to make sure they get where they need to be.

They got to play for a bit, and I talked them into one more group photo against a wall of the school before the bell rang. 

The teachers come out to the playgrounds to collect the children to take to class. We got C and Z to their teachers, but E's had already gone inside, so I walked her and another girl from her class to their room. And that was that. Summer's over. 

I guess I'll take my Ninja (that's what he calls himself when he wears that headband. So cute.), Spiderman, and little lady home. I just don't know what we'll do with ourselves now.

journal - 1 // Happy New Year!

source.

2017 has arrived, whether you like it or not.

That might seem like a strange statement, but that's kind of how I feel about it right now. That is, I feel like the new year completely snuck up on me. It felt like time was traveling pretty normally, right until about the 1^st of November. After that it has felt like time suddenly and completely got away from me. I remember as we were talking about our plans for Thanksgiving, feeling as though we had so much time, but then it was the week of, and we were running to the store to pick up ingredients, but it all felt like a dream. Like, the world around me said it was Thanksgiving, and so I was behaving accordingly, even though it didn't feel like that could be true.

Then Thanksgiving was over and everyone was decorating for Christmas, but I wasn't feeling that either. I kept trying, I'd turn on Christmas music, I sort of decorated, but I just couldn't get there. I knew it was coming, everyone was talking about it, the stores and houses around town were covered in Christmas paraphernalia, but I felt unconvinced. When some people dropped by with an envelope with some money and the greeting of “Merry Christmas”, I made the executive decision to use the cash to purchase some decor. It was a week before Christmas as we put up and decorated our new tree, but it still only felt like I was going through the motions.

Christmas day came, and we had some presents (generously & anonymously donated) under our tree. I knew every other Christmas celebrating family was opening gifts, I knew my kids were excited and full of anticipation, but I still wasn't feeling it. So through the motions I went again, and then it was over. The next day, I took down the tree. Normally I want to leave the decor up forever, or at least until after the new year, but I wasn't feeling that at all. I wasn't feeling much of anything, really. I was completely indifferent.

The new year comes only a week after Christmas, and that week went by like any normal week. New Years Eve arrived feeling just like any other day. I knew it was different, because that is what everyone on social media was saying, but I wasn't feeling it. Normally, on New Years Eve, I'm feeling very reflective, and even emotional, as I prepare to say farewell to the old and welcome in the new. Normally, I feel that renewed spark of energy that comes to most people at the new year, the desire to set goals and that initial feeling of commitment and drive that helps most of us hit the ground running as the calendar turns to January, but as I woke up this morning, I still feel none of that.

I'm putting one foot in front of the other, I'm doing my best to complete some daily goals I made when baby Hazel was born, but I still feel this sense of time passing around me faster than I can handle. As the days progress, months change, holidays come and go, I feel stuck. I feel stuck somewhere right after Halloween.

I don't know for sure if this is some sort of postpartum thing. I don't necessarily feel depressed. I don't doubt that I struggled after Noah was born, I was aware of my inner turmoil and worked hard to conceal it, to appear like things were normal. I haven't felt those things I felt then. I felt, and feel, really great about Hazel's birth, I've been so excited to have her here. I love her so much, I love watching her as she grows, been so excited as she has begun to recognize me more, to smile, to coo, to laugh. I've been overjoyed to have another baby girl to dress up, soaking it all up as best I can. I don't feel any negative feelings in regards to her or her arrival, but overall I feel so stuck.

I'm not sure why, I'm not sure if I'll ever feel like I've caught up, or if I'll feel left behind forevermore. For now I'm just going to keep going through the motions and hope that things will eventually begin to feel right again.

Cupcake is 4!

I know I kind of disappeared last week. I wanted to get some posts up, but between a bunch of appointments and other busy-ness (as well as feeling exhausted), it just never happened. Trying to change that this week. First things first, here's a little recap of the most recent bossling birthday.

Oh, how I love his perfect little face!

We stretched our newest 4 year old's special day into three, which he didn't seem to mind. He's so awesome.

On his birthday, as per tradition, I made him a special number 4 pancake, even though he first said he just wanted cereal. Once he saw the pancakes cooking, he got so excited. "Is dat my four pancake?!" Cutest.

I wrestled with his cake throughout the day, I had to keep walking away because I would get frustrated with it, plus I would just get tired. It was getting late and dark by the time I finally finished it, so I decided that we needed to wait until the next day to do the whole song-and-cake bit. I think he was a bit bummed at first, but it also gave him something to look forward to.

Originally, he'd asked for a light saber cake, and I'd been brainstorming how I could do that for quite a while, but was feeling stumped. I was pretty relieved when he said he'd like an R2-D2 cake instead, it just seemed like a more straight-forward idea to me.

I really love making special cakes for my babies. They stress me out, and I struggle with perfectionism, but even when I feel like I've totally botched their cakes, they are always so excited by them, which is all that really matters, right?

It was  a couple of days later that he got some special birthday mail from his Grandma Rosie. As he was examining and naming the animals on the front, a $5 bill fell into his lap. He set it aside for a moment to look inside. I love the face he's making as he's looking at the open card. Is it because he can't read, or because grandma got confused and thought he was only 3 this year? Ha ha. Oh well, between her thinking he was 3 and sending a fiver, it all evened out. ;)

The cake. Perfectly imperfect.

Happy birthday, my special Cupcake!