journal - 1 // Happy New Year!

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2017 has arrived, whether you like it or not.

That might seem like a strange statement, but that's kind of how I feel about it right now. That is, I feel like the new year completely snuck up on me. It felt like time was traveling pretty normally, right until about the 1^st of November. After that it has felt like time suddenly and completely got away from me. I remember as we were talking about our plans for Thanksgiving, feeling as though we had so much time, but then it was the week of, and we were running to the store to pick up ingredients, but it all felt like a dream. Like, the world around me said it was Thanksgiving, and so I was behaving accordingly, even though it didn't feel like that could be true.

Then Thanksgiving was over and everyone was decorating for Christmas, but I wasn't feeling that either. I kept trying, I'd turn on Christmas music, I sort of decorated, but I just couldn't get there. I knew it was coming, everyone was talking about it, the stores and houses around town were covered in Christmas paraphernalia, but I felt unconvinced. When some people dropped by with an envelope with some money and the greeting of “Merry Christmas”, I made the executive decision to use the cash to purchase some decor. It was a week before Christmas as we put up and decorated our new tree, but it still only felt like I was going through the motions.

Christmas day came, and we had some presents (generously & anonymously donated) under our tree. I knew every other Christmas celebrating family was opening gifts, I knew my kids were excited and full of anticipation, but I still wasn't feeling it. So through the motions I went again, and then it was over. The next day, I took down the tree. Normally I want to leave the decor up forever, or at least until after the new year, but I wasn't feeling that at all. I wasn't feeling much of anything, really. I was completely indifferent.

The new year comes only a week after Christmas, and that week went by like any normal week. New Years Eve arrived feeling just like any other day. I knew it was different, because that is what everyone on social media was saying, but I wasn't feeling it. Normally, on New Years Eve, I'm feeling very reflective, and even emotional, as I prepare to say farewell to the old and welcome in the new. Normally, I feel that renewed spark of energy that comes to most people at the new year, the desire to set goals and that initial feeling of commitment and drive that helps most of us hit the ground running as the calendar turns to January, but as I woke up this morning, I still feel none of that.

I'm putting one foot in front of the other, I'm doing my best to complete some daily goals I made when baby Hazel was born, but I still feel this sense of time passing around me faster than I can handle. As the days progress, months change, holidays come and go, I feel stuck. I feel stuck somewhere right after Halloween.

I don't know for sure if this is some sort of postpartum thing. I don't necessarily feel depressed. I don't doubt that I struggled after Noah was born, I was aware of my inner turmoil and worked hard to conceal it, to appear like things were normal. I haven't felt those things I felt then. I felt, and feel, really great about Hazel's birth, I've been so excited to have her here. I love her so much, I love watching her as she grows, been so excited as she has begun to recognize me more, to smile, to coo, to laugh. I've been overjoyed to have another baby girl to dress up, soaking it all up as best I can. I don't feel any negative feelings in regards to her or her arrival, but overall I feel so stuck.

I'm not sure why, I'm not sure if I'll ever feel like I've caught up, or if I'll feel left behind forevermore. For now I'm just going to keep going through the motions and hope that things will eventually begin to feel right again.