a walk in the park

This is the goal.
via.

I was scrolling through my photo archives on my computer recently, and came across some pictures from a little walk we took in 2014. I wasn't blogging then, so they were never shared, but they looked so lovely... I decided I couldn't keep them to myself.

To be honest, my first thought as I looked through them, and again as I sorted them into collages, was to write a mope-y post about how hard life has been lately. How, since we don't have a car and can't really go anywhere right now, I would share these pictures from a time when we had more options. From when we had sidewalks and grass and parks within walking distance. The plan was to be all woe-is-me in a "vulnerable", "real-talk" post, that would really be a way of trying to fish for sympathy. I'm going to try really hard to not make this post be what I'd originally planned for it to be. (Because who wants to read a whiny post like that?)

Instead of writing up my rant right away, I let the pictures sit in draft for a few days, while I thought of how to compose that post. In that time I began to notice that I've had a really bad attitude lately. I mean, things really are hard right now. For example, we're about two months without a family-size vehicle, for the second summer in a row and there is literally nothing within walking distance (except for wilderness and dirt). To say the kids and I are going crazy from being cooped up and isolated, too far from everything and anything, bickering a bunch because we don't know what else to do, would be an understatement. That isn't all that is making life feel overwhelmingly difficult right now, but I don't want this to turn into a laundry list of everything that's hard right now and woe is me, so lets move on.

Basically, I noticed that I've been focusing heavily on the negative. Like, it's been hard to get myself to see anything but the stuff that sucks. I tell myself to be positive, that there's always something to be happy about, even amidst a sea of less-than-stellar happenings. I know that I could improve my mood, and subsequently the general mood of the house, if I would open my eyes to the positive. Life wouldn't feel so hard if I would just see, and acknowledge, the good. Because there is a lot of good, there is always good, even during struggle and hardship.

I feel like I'm pretty good at putting on a brave face, when I finally get a chance to be out of the house. I've been able to use Mr. Boss's truck after he gets home if I need to and, thanks to the kindness of neighbors from the ward, we've been able to get to church pretty regularly. (Good things, right there!) Every week people ask how I'm doing, and I acknowledge that things are rough, but I put on a smile and talk about how I 'know things will all work out eventually', that I just 'need to be patient'. I feel like, when I talk to anyone, I'm able to do so in a way that shares our struggles without being a Debbie-downer. But I feel like a fake, like I'm putting up a positive front. I think I do it because we have been recipients of so much service, and I don't want to seem ungrateful (because I am so indescribably grateful!), or burdensome. But I get home and feel again the crushing weight of our hard and imperfect life. In the privacy and solitude of my home it's too easy to get bogged down by the feelings of isolation, the feelings of being trapped. When I'm home I feel like I'm drowning in the hard things and I forget how to be positive.

The perfect climbing tree.

I went on a walk Tuesday morning, before most everyone was awake. Last summer I was going on regular morning walks, but being pregnant and easily worn out, it seemed like too much effort to do now, seemed too hard. I made excuses. (I'm really good at those.) But, after waking up super early, I decided to just go for it. As I walked I thought, and I looked around at the beauty of nature in the rural area that is currently our home. I thought about all the things I used to love seeing when I'd go on my walks last year. I considered how we really do live in a beautiful place.

It's easy, when I see the same things day in and day out, to become bored. Easy to think my surroundings have become stale and have nothing to offer. It's easy for me to see what we don't have (like grass, sidewalks, nearby playgrounds, a car, etc.), and it's easy to overlook what we do have (lots of nature to explore, neighbors with farm animals that we can visit, a superb view of the stars at night...). If I go just beyond what I can see from our front porch, I find treasures, little details that delight my eyes, things that make living here a bit more worthwhile.

I'll probably struggle with my negative thoughts, to some degree, the whole time we live here. I like to think having a car will help, as well as having the kids back in school, but it's highly likely that, when I have those things, I'll find something else to complain about. I like to think I'm a positive person but, when I really analyze my thoughts, I find a lot of negativity.

Some days are better than others, some days I really am able to be optimistic. Outwardly, I think I'm pretty good at portraying a glass-half-full perspective. But most days it feels like it's one thing after another, to the point where I desperately want to escape. Even when we had a car, I would let myself become discouraged by feeling stuck, trapped, alone. I did the same in Denver, even though I had so much available to me there.

I'm trying to remember to look at the bright side, to notice and appreciate the awesome things about where we are right now. I'm trying to be patient with myself as I work on having a better attitude. I'm trying to not feel so discouraged by what we seem to lack (or by the daily fighting that's been happening). I'm trying to acknowledge and be grateful for what we do have. I'm trying to remember all the people who have helped us out, who made living here a little bit easier, a little bit better. It's a work in progress, and it's something I really want to become better at.

Doesn't that look glorious?

My tiny baby, N!

Stunning park roses.

What do you do to stay positive when things are hard?