Today's prompt is "the thing(s) you're most afraid of". I would like to say "Oh, I'm not afraid of anything." But the truth is, just like there are many things that make me uncomfortable, there are many things that I am afraid of.
My fears have such a wide range. I'm afraid of tornadoes and earthquakes. I'm afraid of spiders, even though I think it's silly to be afraid of something so much smaller than me, they make me jump and give me the willies. I'm afraid of embarrassment. I've got the fear that my phone is going to call somebody while in my pocket or bag, and that the person on the other line will hear me doing something which I would be embarrassed to do in front of others, like singing or losing my temper. I'm scared of dying young and not being around to raise my children. I'm afraid of being forgotten. I'm afraid of losing a child in a crowded place, of having a child kidnapped, or being seriously injured or ill. I'm afraid of teaching (which I've been asked to do again). I'm afraid of not being liked. I'm afraid of being judged by others.
Some of my fears make sense to me, others seem ridiculous and I wonder why I'm afraid of that thing at all. But my fears have a pretty tight hold on me, and try as I might, I can't shake them. I can pretend they aren't there, but they are.
I think one of the things that scares me the most, though, is having sons. In part because boys are so unfamiliar to me. I have seven siblings and only one brother. Girls are familiar, boys are foreign.
Having girls is pretty scary, too. With the way that the world looks at women, I worry about how I'll teach my daughter(s) that they are of divine worth, I worry about how to help them understand that they are amazing and beautiful, just as they are, despite what the world would have them believe. I worry about that, especially, because I have a tendency to forget my own worth. I don't want my girls to struggle with their self-esteem and self-worth like I have and do. But even with those worries, having daughters doesn't strike fear to my very core the way having sons does.
I feel like there is a huge responsibility on the shoulders of mothers of sons. Women are bombarded by fake ideals in the media of what we should look like and be, but those images and ideals are also seen by our sons. We live in a hyper-sexualized world, and I don't know how to protect my boys from that, short of locking them in a cupboard, which I obviously cannot do.
I think of a story from the Book of Mormon, of a man called Helaman and his 2,000 stripling warriors. Young men who's fathers had sworn an oath not go to battle, because they didn't want to take the life of another, even in the defense of their own lives (Alma 23:7, Alma 24:6). But these young men hadn't made this promise, so they volunteered to defend their people. These boys had incredible faith, but the part that sticks out to me the very most is this:
"For as I had ever called them my sons... even so they said unto me: Father, behold our God is with us, and he will not suffer that we should fall; then let us go forth; we would not slay our brethren if they would let us alone; therefore let us go...
"Now they never had fought, yet they did not fear death; and they did think more upon the liberty of their fathers than they did upon their lives; yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them.
"And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt our mothers knew it."
I want to be like the mothers that these boys had. I want to be able to teach my boys in a way that they will know for themselves what is right and what is wrong, that they will do good, and that they will know because I know. And I'm scared that I won't be able to be that for them. I read the post of another blogger participating in this BEDiM challenge, and at the end of her post she shared a quote by President Thomas S. Monson, he said:
That along with the second quote I shared the other day, help remind me not to let my fear take over. Which is so hard sometimes. But things really will work out in the end. I know they will.
So, yes, I am afraid of a great many things, but I don't want those fears to rule my life. Which is why I'm telling you about them. I am facing my fears, owning up to them, and kicking them to the curb.
But spiders will forever give me the willies.
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You are awesome! ♥