let them be little

Horny toads and lizards everyday.

Life is feeling pretty chaotic these days. I feel such a lack of control over life right now and I'm having a really hard time with that. Just having the kids home for the summer is overwhelming, but on top of that our car kicked the bucket, so we are stuck home every. single. day. We live about 13 miles from the edge of town, and there is nothing within walking distance except for wilderness. I may be a self-proclaimed home-body, but the isolation has been beyond difficult. Sometimes it feels like we live on a deserted island.

I find myself, when I'm feeling really overwhelmed, imagining what life would be like if we were still in Denver. Denver, where we had AC, nearby parks, grass, sidewalks... I build it up in my head to be all sorts of idyllic. Even though things were actually not the best there either. We were on a corner in a neighborhood where people frequently came by driving way too fast. There was no fence, and there were all of the lewd acts and drug deals that didn't really make me want to go outside anyway. (But I wouldn't have totaled my car if we'd been there, and we could have gone places, like libraries and other parks in nicer areas.... I need to stop.)

Here in Arizona, our front yard is a dirt patch, but we have a fence, and very little traffic. Our little house gets pretty hot during the heat of the day and there is no AC, but I feel safe letting the kids go play outside without me having to sit out there with them. My big problem is that it is regarding them playing outside that I feel a major lack of control that is quite infuriating. Sure, there's cool stuff, like lizards and horny toads, but there's also a surplus of dirt. So. much. dirt.

Without fail they go out to play and return completely coated, head to toe, like they rolled in it. I don't understand how they do it. It's like they're magnets for the dirt, like they walk out and it jumps on them and soaks into their skin and clothing. And it's hard for me. We've never given the kids daily baths, it's just too much work, and so when they come in completely filthy I feel like I have no choice. (If we're being honest though, I still don't bathe them daily. I have a multitude of excuses why not, but I still let it drive me crazy.)

Then there are the evenings when they're out playing before bed and I go out because the air is cooler outside than in. I watch them run around and laugh and hunt for lizards and play in the dirt and rocks, I see pure joy on their faces. It's in those moments that I take a deep breath and remind myself to just let them be. Let them be little and get filthy and catch lizards and have a blast. Life won't always look like this, so why not enjoy what it is now. Not that I have to love being without a car, or the other hard stuff, but just because it's hard doesn't mean there can't be good. I can send them out to play in the yard and not worry about speeding cars, or them being exposed to something inappropriate right across the street. And what kid isn't thrilled by dirt and lizard hunting?

Life is hard, but I'm making an effort to let go of my ideas of how I think things should be and just let them be little, let them have fun, and stop taking life so seriously.  

I can't handle this picture. I seriously die every time I see it.