Struggle pt. 1

I've been trying to write this post for a few days now. It's been hard to the find time, and the words. This is a hard post for me to write, but I feel like this is something I need to share.

I never thought I would be so thrilled to see my baby happily consuming formula. Then, once upon a time, we decided to get pregnant for the second time. C was only 6 months old. I had dreams of nursing him through the pregnancy, but they were quickly shot down as my milk supply was replaced by severe tenderness. I went as long as I could, all the while trying to introduce my boy to bottles and sippy cups. He hated every bottle and every cup I tried and, as my milk supply decreased, his ability to gain weight was halted. Always on the smaller side of average, my boy began to dip from the 40-50% range down to the 10th percent. I felt horrible. I felt like the worst mother in the whole world.
I tried everything to get him extra calories. And by everything, I mean I started putting a scoop or two of formula powder and rice cereal into his purees, and continuing in the struggle to find a sippy that he would take. Nothing was happening, he needed more liquid, he was lethargic and it was heart-breaking. One day, while at my mother's house, she gave me some cheap sippy cups she had found at the store. I figured we would try them, but didn't have high hopes. We put a bit of diluted juice, and I took him to a quiet room to give it a try. I prayed silently that he would take it. He did. It was such a wonderful moment, such a relief! The struggle was finally over, and I cried as I felt this great burden lifted from my shoulders.

I never wanted to use formula again, because, in my mind, formula = failure and failure = bad mommy. I decided then and there that I would space my children farther apart in the future, so that I could get a solid year of nursing for the rest of the babes that came to me. E did wonderfully, we made it to about 15 months with her. She was my success story.
My Little Z is amazing. He started out huge and he wanted to keep it that way. He was a champion at nursing and gained weight quickly and steadily. I was shocked and impressed when I weighed him at 4 months and found he was already a solid 19 lbs. It was around this time that I decided to test my babe's ability to sleep through the night, in his own bed. The experiment was an immediate success and, shortly thereafter, his bed was moved to the children's room. I was so pleased with myself. I had it good. Or so I thought.

**part 2**